Sunday, September 6, 2015

Always "The One" But Never the Wife!

“But did you ever think about how that makes me feel?” I asked.

My friend from Chicago. You may remember, “Mr. Simple Moment” from the beach.  I met him in Florida back in April of this year while on vacation and we’ve been talking ever since. He’s actually become a great friend that I not only get advice from, but also spiritual wisdom and council. But like every other male “friendship” I’ve had, he always seems to slip in a compliment of some kind or share a fantasy of us someday being together, even calling me his potential wife.

Where have I heard that before? That’s right! All of my other EX boyfriends! Every last one of them proclaimed that I was "the one" no less than a month in to our dating process. My therapist once shared that I should be flattered by their gesture and thoughts of me. But why? It's cute and flattering in the beginning, but the truth still remains, I am still nobody’s wife yet! I keep allowing myself to feed into the fantasies of men who see the potential of a wife in a good woman, but this good woman never becomes the wife.

At moments I would slip into the fantasy with him because honestly, I could see myself being in relationship with him. Sometimes you need the escape from the single state of mind and linger over into "relationship fantasy-land" just for a little while. But the truth still remains, he lives in Chicago! And if you haven't noticed by now, God has this funny way of allowing me to meet potentially great prospects who happen to LIVE IN OTHER STATES!!! I’m still trying to figure this one out! That's what I get for traveling so much! But I digress! 

He feeds me hopes of one day coming to visit and potentially pursuing a real relationship, giving me the quality time and conversation I desire, but yet in still no action behind it. It must stop! No more! I'm tired of being emotionally pimped by men who aren't my husband. 

We recently had a heart to heart discussion because I just couldn’t take it anymore! I was tired of hearing the fantasies and playing the game with him; gripping to a glimpse of hope that ends when we hang up the phone. I was OK with keeping it strictly at a friendship phase, but oh how those lines become grayed. I remember a friend cautioning me to not get emotionally attached to these men I meet, and she's right. Physical touch is one thing, but intimate conversation for a woman will draw us in such a way, you'd think we'd had sex! So I decided to use my good ol’ communication skills I learned from counseling and let him know what I needed and how he could meet that need.

I needed him to take in account how I felt. Every time he gave me a compliment or shared a scenario of us being together, how does that make me feel? Every time he says, “I’ve been praying about us,” what does that do to my emotions? Every time he mentions possibly coming to visit, what runs through my head?  It’s a an emotional roller coaster and I’m about to throw up!

I find that many men like to use their words for their own satisfaction and the assumed satisfaction of the female they use them upon. But if I can simply alert all men at this time: WOMEN CAN DO WITHOUT THE WORDS, WE DESIRE THE ACTION!

And here’s the punchline: telling me I’m a wife is not the bad part because I'm clear on that call on my life. But it's the assuming and proclaiming that I may be “your” wife that presents the problem. Many men like to put stake and claim on what they potentially see as theirs without yet having the papers to prove ownership. Jokingly or not, its a strong title to put on a woman who actually truly desires to walk in that role.  Until a ring is placed on my appropriate finger and the autograph is signed on the proper line, I am no one’s wife. I’ve decided and vowed that I won’t feed into it anymore. 

So I shared what I needed. Now in order for him to meet that need, as the old folks would say, I told him to "piss or get off the pot." I know. It sounds so vulgar, but I think he got my point! I'm OK with a simple friendship without the "extras" on the side. It keeps me in a place of emotional stability in which I can focus on other things and not on him until he is truly serious about his pursuit.

I deserve to be pursued, loved, respected, and on that special day, I deserve for a man to get down on one knee and ask that one question we've waited for our whole lives! I'm not wifey or wife material, I am a wife. No stake or claim made yet, but I do await that day. I won't put up with the hopes and wishes of men who only hope and wish with words and not action.

And another thing to my men, while I'm still on my soapbox, if you aren't ready and need time to "get yourself together", by all means do so, just leave the wife comments and gestures out of it! Don't string a woman along in hopes that she'll stick around and be used for emotional support while all the while she's emotionally frustrated and drained from a man that's not even her husband! We are only required to wait on God, not a man!

Not trying to come off like the angry black woman because I absolutely am not. I'm just in a place where I've decided to take back control of my emotions. I'm taking back the pieces of me that I've lent out to men who don't know and are not equipped to handle the full scope of me! Just being reminded of scripture once again, "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." (Proverbs 4:23) Scripture for my life! Particularly this dating life!

And at this point in the course, I don't need another man to tell me I am “the one”. I just need him to make me his wife.