Sunday, January 25, 2015

Old School in a New School World

“You say you’re old school, yet you do online dating,” he said.

Once I got over the initial shade that was thrown my way by his comment, I laughed to myself.  I purposely sought male insight on my last blog post regarding my desire to be pursued and the lack thereof among the men I had been dating. And although I may not always understand or agree with their point of view, I appreciate the male perspective, and to say the least, the post stirred an interesting, yet familiar response from them.

When you think about it, the term “old school” and “online dating” don’t necessarily go hand in hand. But I look at this way: We have all shopped at Payless and are familiar with their quality of shoes compared to Nordstrom or Macy’s. Yet when I walk into Payless, I still expect to be treated as a respectable paying customer. And every once in a while, you find that one shoe, your favorite shoe, that will last you years, that you probably could pull out of your closet right now.

Being old school, aka “valuing what both of my fathers taught me about the respect I deserved as a woman,” should not and does not negate the quality and respect I seek after just because I choose to date through a popular online site.  I’m not really sure when having standards of believing a man should pursue, pay on the first date, open doors, pull out chairs, negate the use of a convenient online site.  And I am not really sure when people grew to abhor online dating, or when it became the bottom of the barrel for finding a date, let alone “Mr. Right.” I recently I have found myself defending it in a way that inadvertently defends my desire for relationship and eventually a marriage.  It seems that those who sought relationships the conventional way tend to turn their nose to those who seek unconventional avenues.  I mean, we have all seen the and eHarmony commercials. They all can’t be lying about the many marriages that came from their various sites! Someone had some standards and values they stuck to! I mean, they look so happy on the commercials! LOL

Online dating is almost, if not exactly the same as meeting someone, say, in the grocery store. You don’t know them, they could easily be dating and pursuing others outside of you, and they had plenty of options to choose from as they cruised down the produce aisle, but you just happen to catch their eye. At least with online dating, you aren't just caught on looks alone, but you get a quick synopsis of the persons life in a profile with more than one visual option to gaze upon to figure out if they are to your liking.  Now, do you have to worry about the whole "Catfish" scenario, yes, but that's when you begin to intercede to the Lord fervently before meeting along with a few phone conversations, sending his info to two of your closest friends, and doing a quick Google background check!

I pride myself on being “old school” in a “new school” world.  I am reminded of the terms assimilation and acculturation coined in my Sociology class while matriculating through undergrad, oh so many years ago! “Assimilation is a process whereby people of a culture learn to adapt to the ways of the majority culture. There is a loss of one’s own culture as a person gives more value to the cultural aspects of the majority community..” Acculturation, on the other hand, is the process by which a person adapts to some aspects of the majority culture while maintaining their original customs and beliefs.

I recognize the majority culture and society we live in now. Everything is right at our finger tips with cell phones, laptops, ipads, etc. And even dating has become an “at your finger tip” ability that is convenient, and for which I have chosen to adapt to. It has led me to meet interesting people, experience new restaurants, and learn from my various experiences. But I will always choose to acculturate myself rather than assimilate to the assumed culture that online dating embodies low standards, one-night stands, absent morals and values, and options upon options for the male species to fish through, throwing away as needed. I will find that one good shoe....more like, I will be that Red Bottom black pump that will be found!

So yes, I am old school doing the online dating thing! Sexual chocolate!! (drops the mic, walks away slowly) LOL

Excerpts from "Difference between Acculturation and Assimilation" posted August 9, 2012

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

2 Date Maximum.....

"Sooo, when I can I see you again?," he asks.
If I am interested, then I immediately respond in a flirtatious, excited voice, "any time you would like!" Now if I am not really sure, and I feel like I should give it one more shot just to confirm or negate my initial feelings, I simply reply, "let me see how my schedule looks for the week."
As I have reflected upon my recent dating excursions, I have found that with each guy, it has been a maximum of 2 dates! Now I said to myself, what is that about??? I am always myself on each date and I don't ever really find myself to be nervous. I settle that I am going to be me and they can take it or leave it.  And ummmm, it seems like they are leaving it! Despite the fact that many of the guys tell me they enjoy my company and conversation, love my smile, and would like to see me again, it seems that after the second date the calls become less, text messages become sparing, and my confusion and curiosity peaks! I start running down the dates: did I say something wrong, did my breath stink on the second date? What is it?
That's when I really start to feel like a drink special at the club, two drink minimum, or in my case, two date maximum!
Then I start to do a little more thinking and reflecting. In the beginning, particularly meeting men online, they are after the chase, messaging daily, exchanging numbers, and setting up our first meet and greet. The meet and greet goes well and they ask the question, "when can I see you again?" I decide to go on a second date. We text or talk throughout the week leading up to the next date. The next date goes well, and then crickets.
I finally decided to simply just text one of the guys I went out with after I didn't hear from him for 5 days....yes, I counted! All with the encouragement of my oh-so enthusiastic mother who just doesn't understand why her only daughter is not married yet! The gentleman and I had gone out two weekends in a row as both of our schedules didn't allow for midweek dates. After our 2nd date he tells me how much he enjoyed my company, he really likes me, and proceeds to text me a few times during the week. The last text message on a Friday read, "enjoy your weekend." I was a bit confused as I was actually looking forward to hanging out with him again that weekend.
I text the gentleman randomly, just making small talk. I eventually hit him with the ringer, " just wanted to check in on you, being as how I haven't heard from you in a while." And out flows the excuses and lies!!!  He says, " it's not like that, I just didn't want to keep bothering you, asking you out all the time." I screamed inside myself, "REALLY?!!!!!!!" Sir, what woman gets upset if a man she is interested in keeps asking her out? I mean, really!!???  If he was really interested, 5 days is a long time to leave a woman hanging and for another man to pick her up!
Not sure if it was a guilt date request, but he proceeds to ask me out for the following weekend. I agree, not sure why! But before the date even happened I realized, this was foolishness! If a guy is truly interested he will pursue relentlessly and leave no room for others to interject. So I proceeded to act like a lady, but think and act a little like a man as well. My texts became sparing or I would respond with one word answers so he could sense the non-interest coming from my mind, body, and spirit! Needless to say, the date never happened and I proceeded to move on. Taking note that if a guy stops responding or disappears off the face of the earth, let them do it and then thank God you dodged a bullet, because a bullet is what I got....
They always seem to come back around when you give them a taste of their own medicine. A few days later I get a text at work, "we not talking anymore??" I literally laughed out loud to myself. At that moment I felt honesty was the best policy. I proceeded to let him know that after his 5 day hiatus, I figured he wasn't interested, and after the follow up text that I had to send, there was no need to proceed with another date. Ladies, this is where I figured it out....there is a two date maximum! He proceeds to tell me that he wasn't sure if I was interested. He felt I wasn't giving him enough signs, and it was a two way street!
Now I am an old school girl and I believe in being pursued. I will call and text here and there to let the man know I am still interested, but there is still work on his side to be done!  Not that I am comparing men to my past relationships, but all of my past boyfriends pursued and followed through relentlessly.
I let him know that I felt  I had given him sufficient amount of attention to let him know I was interested........ladies he went off! Trying to explain to me the courting process and that it was selfish of me to feel the way I felt!  It led me to the conclusion that many men are not about the true pursuit of woman anymore because too many other women don't require them to do so! Heck, there are more woman now who will do the pursuing for them! So they have set a two date maximum, after the second date, it's up to us ladies to do the rest of the work! Foolishness!
Proverbs 18:22, which we all know oh so well says, "He who finds a wife finds what is good and recieved favor from the Lord." 
Some synonyms for the word FIND: discover, realize, learn, obtain, gain, earn, achieve, secure. Sounds like work to me, which will probably take more than two dates!!!!
Soooo, I will continue to hold a standard of allowing a man to be a man and receive his favor from the Lord! Iam going to express and show my interest, when interested. But for now, I will keep sipping on my two drinks.....because until the Lord sends my husband my way, the rest of these dudes are none of my business! Lol