"So how's everything going? You still with the guy? She asked.
I should have had a conference call with all my close friends and family so that they knew what was going on all at the same time. Once you've told the story once, or twice, or three times, its kind of hard to move on and heal when others keep asking about the relationship. But that's life. And its really how you know what your true feelings are about the situation. Are you really over it and have moved on? Are you faking it until you make it? Do you really miss him? Do you still have some anger or hurt still lingering?
In keeping with my mode of transparency, this week has been a bit of a battle in my mind of not living in the past. Your mind has a way of playing the should of, would of, could of game in which you replay all the possible scenarios in your mind wishing you could try and make it better. I did miss him. I missed his company and the daily phone calls. I missed the companionship. I was still a bit hurt, but more frustrated at myself. I could have really used that "easy" button like the Staples commercial, but then I wouldn't have had the opportunity to really sort out my feelings and address them.
I'm OK. And when I say, I'm OK, I really am OK. Speaking of Staples, I actually went to the store last weekend and purchased a dray erase board and colorful markers. I had a project in mind, more like God had a project in mind for me.
I attended a church service last week in which pastor preached from the title "Its already done" (Ephesians 1:1-3). Now upon first hearing the title, I can honestly say I kind of rolled my eyes. Here we go again. Another sermon that seeks to excite the crowd. But God put me in check! I listened intently. There was a word for me. The pastor declared that God has already done what we needed Him to do. He said to appropriate the gifts God has already given me and focus on what God says about me. My spirit immediately agreed with the word. I was in need of healing and deliverance from this bondage of attitude and emotionalism, and yes, it was just that deep, bondage! But he was reminding me that its already done! I have the healing and deliverance I needed. I have to trust what God says about me and declare it upon myself, and then walk in it! So of course, I had to shout! I was told I just about cleared my row! I felt like running too. That word freed me from going down a path of beating myself up and condemning myself to a lonely life with a house full of cats!
Now, the project was to make an affirmation board. A board full of statements of what God says about me and what I want to declare over my life and for that day. I am a visual person, and there is something about a constant reminder of what God says that illuminates your mind and cast down negative thoughts. All week, before I left my room, I read my board, declared the statements over my life and my day, and walked out to embark on whatever the day had for me. I was ready! And it felt so good!
The devil definitely tried to get in my head and push me back, but because of the affirmations, I was ready for him! I had a come back for whatever he tried to hit me with. Walking in it!
Walking in it also meant that I had to make the first step in my healing by setting an appointment with a counselor. I made two appointments! I attend my first session this Tuesday, and I am truly excited about it! Its been a long time coming and I can't wait to sit on the couch and talk! That is, if she has a couch! I watch too much t.v.! I'm going to pray for a couch, I feel like I have a lot to talk about and I need to be comfortable! LOL