"I don't think I can do this anymore," he said.
My heart sank. It was the very phrase I didn't want to hear. But to be honest, I knew it was coming. He had become distant over the last week and I couldn't put my finger on why. While I was away visiting my family our communication was very limited and short. When I returned home we had "the talk." He finally shared his true feelings about my attitude toward him and his feeling of inadequacy when it came to meeting my expectations. I made him feel as though he couldn't do anything right! Yep, that sounds like me! I couldn't do anything but apologize for the way I treated him and asked if time could heal and help us move forward in the relationship.
His response, " I honestly don't have the patience to deal with you. Its something you need to work on, and you won't change overnight."
Talk about a slap in the face! But it wasn't like I hadn't hear it before! Deja Vu! Another one bites the dust! I seem to leave a trail of good men who have a low tolerance for attitudes and emotionalism. Go figure! Who wants to put up with that? He made a decision of what he would and would not deal with and moved on. I don't blame him! I'm not even mad at him! He did what he needed to do for him.
But may I vent for a few seconds:
The same patience he sought from me when he didn't live up to my expectations seemed to be NONEXISTENT when it came to the patience I sought from him to work through my emotions. I thought there was a commitment, but it was more like temporary companionship. I was going through a family crisis and at the first sign of trouble he bailed! Not the man I need in my life!
I 'm a fighter. I fight for what I believe in and I don't give up. I'm always willing to do the work to make it last. To be honest, this week I felt like a failure. Another relationship for the books and back to being single. But the thing about having a relationship with God, He always seems to prepare you for what is to come and ultimately remind you of who He is and His number one place in your life.
While I was at home, my dad unexpectedly asked me to preach Sunday morning. Did I mention he asked me Saturday morning! Word to the wise, be ye always ready! I was not ready! LOL But God gave a word. My message was entitled: "Stay with God". Who knew that that was the word that would carry me during this time. It reminded me that if I needed to fight to stay with anyone, its God! The God who says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." And the God who says," Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." That's the man I needed in my life!
Now please don't get me wrong. The word of God comforts and absolutely meets all of my needs, but there is nothing like the presence of a human body in the form of a man who will commit to you and meet your needs, preferably over 6'0 tall, loves long walks on the beach, has a beard......but I digress. But I'm alright with waiting on God. He has yet again revealed that there is work to be done on Kristin.
Being in a relationship right now can't heal and deliver what needs to be worked out in me. Some things only come through prayer, fasting.......and some counseling! Yep, I'm going to take the step that I've shied away from, heck, that most black people and church people have shied away from. Its taboo to say you're going to counseling. Just pray about it and God will work it out! The devil is a liar! Sometimes an extra step needs to take place, and for me, that extra step is to sit and talk with someone who can assist me in finding the root of my emotions and ways to manage and control them. When one person tells you you have a problem, you smile and nod your head. But when you have three men who you were in relationship with, that absolutely don't know each other, say the exact same thing concerning your attitude and break up with you, you might want to talk to somebody!
So, I celebrate me! I love me! I'm grateful for going through each relationship and seeing that God loved me enough to shut it down, so that he can continue to build me up! God has things for me to do and places for me to go! Taking a break from the dating process and taking the time to get to know Kristin more! She's kind of cool and deserves the attention!
Scripture References: Deuteronomy 31:6; Matthew 11:28