Sunday, March 8, 2015

World War Me!

"Are we OK? And please be honest," I told him

Women's intuition told me something wasn't right. But to be honest, I knew it was me and the damage I had already done. It was deja vu all over again. It was like my past relationships were flashing before my eyes. I was doing it again! And he was a good one! Why am I like this? What's really going on with me?  Maybe I just should suffice on being single for the rest of my life!

The battlefield of emotions are real. And for me, it was like World War Me! You think you have overcome a struggle that has left a trail of scars on your heart, only to realize the struggle is back, and on its way to ruining another potential relationship. I'm emotional. But to top it off, I'm emotional out loud! I wear my emotions on my sleeves for all to see and respond without thought or care concerning the other person. It's always about me and how I feel.

During my season of singleness, after my last relationship ended, I realized that I seriously needed help in the area of controlling my emotions. I struggled with containing my emotions when I felt an expectation wasn't being met. I would catch attitudes at the drop of a hat. A great day, could turn into a horrible day with just one action that didn't go my way. Instead of being cool and communicating effectively how I felt, I shut down. I would shut him out with the famous words, "I'm good." I would come to my senses, apologize, and vow to do better. I would do well for a few weeks and then the emotional monster would rear her ugly head again.  When the relationship ended, I knew something had to change. I was being destructive to others, and most of all, myself.

I started reading books by Joyce Meyers on controlling emotions. I even sat and talked with someone on strategies to over come my struggle. I was putting in the work. I even fasted and prayed, asking God to increase the fruit of patience and self control in my life. I desired to be a healthier Kristin. Not just to be in another relationship, but just for myself, and all the relationships in my life. I celebrated my progress and was on my way to emotional freedom!

Or so I thought. The devil hears your prayers just as much as God does! I got another chance. Met a great guy and we hit it off well.  We're a month into dating and the emotional monster comes with a vengeance.  But this time during a more sensitive time in my life. I was dealing with the sickness of my father along with other friends who were either in the hospital or going through circumstances. My sensitivity was at an all time high, and my expectations were also on high. I just needed him to know what do and how, but most men don't work that way! I was constantly snapping at him when he didn't do what I expected. I mean, he couldn't just read my mind!  Of course not, but that's what I needed!

But what about him? In the mist of all that I was dealing with, I didn't stop to truly think about him. How was I making him feel. What was he thinking? Did I reach my quota of attitude and emotions already? Do I even meet his expectations? He was a good man who deserved more of my patience and understanding and less of my attitude; more of my appreciation and less of my entitled behavior.

So much for being "cool".  I revealed a side of me that I thought I was healed and delivered from. The fight to stay calm and be cool was like Pacquiao and Mayweather in my chest. I wanted to keep my emotions down and be understanding; take the high road and be patient. We were just getting to know one another. I cant honestly expect him to be Superman and Jesus. I mean, that's just too much pressure don't you think?

I had to realize, we never truly arrive, and when we think we do, God will always remind you there is more work to be done. So back on my knees I go, turning down my plate, and seeking Him more.  I refuse to go backwards in my progress of a better me. I've come too far, and there is so much more road ahead of me. I still desire to be a wife and a mother, but I desire to be healthy woman first!