Monday, July 27, 2015

No Fun Alone

“Disarm system now,” she said in her sultry but commanding voice.

That would be my alarm system welcoming me home as I opened my front door after a long day of
work. I hear her voice everyday, many times more than once, but this day it was a bit different. As soothing as her voice was, I would’ve rather had a voice with a bit more testosterone and bass.  Or better yet, a physical man that greets me at the front door with a hug, kiss, and a smile. I’ll take door number two please!

Not sure if it was because I worked over 12 hours that day, but as I punched in my alarm code and dropped my bags on the couch, I realized how single I really was!  I was tired and just wanted someone to rub my feet. Maybe run me a warm bath and have dinner ready when I got out. That’s all! I literally worked from 8 a.m. until about 8:30 p.m. that night. I was beyond exhausted.

Being a physical therapist, I worked my full time job going to patient’s houses for therapy sessions and then worked another 3 hours at a local nursing home to pick up some extra cash. I help to restore function to individuals who experience physical limitations due to sickness, injury, surgery, etc.  That day I felt like superwoman! Saving the world one limb at a time! I felt like I made an impact and was actually putting to use the degree I diligently worked for! My patients were demonstrating improvement and were filled with joy to return to their normal everyday activities. I was apart of that and wanted to share it with someone, not the Vector Security voice over!

I remember a few years ago I found myself digging through the $5 video cart at Walmart searching for a chick flick to ease my pain after a breakup. I stumbled upon a dvd entitled “Soulmate”.  It was a documentary about African American women and their season of singleness from various age groups. There was one particular interview in the documentary that resonated with my spirit.  A woman in her 40s, successful and well educated, described an occasion in which she came back to an empty home one night after a speaking engagement and broke down in tears to God. She simply asked Him why she was still single. She traveled all over the country speaking and teaching, empowering women of all ages, yet a part of her was empty.  God replied, “If you can tell me I’m not enough, I will end your singleness season.” In a bit of shock, she immediately got herself together because she knew she could not tell God that he wasn’t enough!

Talk about a smack in the face! I find myself replaying that interview in my mind over and over again, and this night, I was that woman! I was having a bit of a breakdown. I have lived alone for over 10 years. I’ve lived in this house approximately 3 years.  Some days I love to come home to a quiet house, but this night, the quietness shook my foundation.  I started to run my credential and accomplishment list, thinking, I am doing all this for you Lord.  Why can’t I have a family to celebrate and share these times with?

“I’ll still give you glory and serve you,” I would say.  

I could hear God say to me what he said to that woman, “ But am I not enough??”  

I could NEVER tell God he wasn’t enough.  I don't think my lips could even fix themselves to formulate the word “no” to that question. But that void of a husband was yet oh so real! Are there times when a different answer wants to roll off my tongue, absolutely! If one more person talks about “I’m dating Jesus” I am going to scream! It’s cute but not cute! Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit are the Trinity, not my boo, my bae, or my homie! My father, absolutely! Provider and keeper, without a doubt! But I need the Trinity to manifest the human flesh of my husband, not just his spirit!

A guy on Twitter posted a picture of a tabletop at a restaurant in which there was only one menu and then a blank space where another person could be. His post read, “When the only person you’re dating is the HOLY GHOST!” I literally laughed out loud. There is truth in every joke, and therein lied my truth! Since getting off the dating sites, a sister's dating life has been a bit non-existent. Meeting guys here and there but nothing consistent or even worth talking about! It’s actually been a relieving and stress free time! Did a few dates by myself and some alone time hasn't been all that bad!

But when you find yourself in a good place, even a great place in life, where all is well and you find absolute peace in who you are, where you are, and where you’re going, sometimes you want to look back and see that someone is on this journey celebrating life with you.    

Mali Music has a song entitled “No Fun Alone” in which some of the lyrics read:

People often try to make it seem
That their success is individual
But what’s the point in even having dreams
If you got to celebrate, all alone
It gets coooold...

It gets cold at the top
Make sure somebody loves ya
You can feel alone in the spotlight
Make sure somebody cares for ya
Always be there for ya
It’s no fun alone

Alone is definitely not always a fun place to be.  Our desire for companionship can be heightened by certain events or a breakdown in our emotional state.  It’s normal! Those long hours at work got to me. I was exhausted and empty and just simply needed a fill up. After I ran my check list and then checked in with God, he began to fill me back up by reminding me that I am “Fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14), and that ultimately I should “Seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give [me] everything [I] need.” (Matthew 6:33 NLT)

Now do the scriptures automatically help and soothe my loneliness, not all the time. Does it still feel a bit chilly at the top, absolutely. But as I continue to meditate and pray, seek godly counsel, and be truthful with myself, I get back to my content state of mind! God reminds me of the support of family and true friends who will be there no matter what. Maybe not at my house every night when I open my front door, but never too far where I can't reach them.

So now I think I might even give my alarm system a name! Mine as well make it personal since she is the only one welcoming me home at night, for now! How does Laila sound?

As the church people would say, “Yall pray my strength in the Lord!“