"Kristin! You've had sex?" my mother asked me.
I called her a few days ago to see if she read my latest article that was recently published on a popular blog site (see link below). I was excited and wanted to share my article with her. I sent her the article the night before in hopes that she would read it and provide her feedback. Now, maybe I had a lapse in memory that my article revealed that I was not the young virgin daughter she assumed I was, or I figured at 30 years old my mother could handle my honesty and transparency concerning my life. Let's just say, I had THE most awkward conversation with my mother and eventually my father that I've ever had! My mother seemed a bit confused as to what the article was really referring to, although the article, I thought, was pretty straight forward. I'm not sure if either one of us was ready for the conversation that was about to take place.
"Yes mom, I've had sex before," I said in a very solemn tone.
"Who did you have sex with Kristin?" she asked.
She completely caught me off guard with that question. Talk about a blind shot! I wasn't ready! I respectfully let her know that I was NOT going to divulge that information, but of course, she asked approximately 3 to 4 more times, in which I continued to let her know that that discussion we would not be having. She then decided to play the guessing game and throw random names of ex-boyfriends out to see if I would play along! No games here mom! My lips were sealed. Besides, the real cat was out of the bag. I was not a virgin.
As we were talking, in her distraught condition, she proceeds to pull my father into the conversation. I could hear my dad calling out to my mom in the background, "Marie, what's wrong? What do you mean she's not a virgin?"
As she gathered her thoughts and words together, she proceeded to tell my dad that I was not the virgin they thought I was and handed him the phone!! The judgment began! My father’s tone and voice began to raise. He proceeded to chastise me for having sex like I was a 12 year old little girl, telling me that I knew better and that it was absolutely not pleasing to the Lord. What’s happening??! Where did all of this come from? I respectfully let my father know that I did not call to be judged or chastised and took him down memory lane. Both him and my mother had sex before marriage and even had children, including myself, out of wedlock. Apart of my father's testimony is his "whoring" ways with women. But of course, he was not trying to hear that!
Remembering to respect my parents because Lord knows I want to live long, I began to apologize to my dad for being a disappointment. Before the word could fully leave my mouth, my dad cut me off. His tone changed and his voice lowered.
“You are not a disappointment,” he told me. “We love you,” he said.
He began to share with me the standard of purity he held me to. He took pride in believing I was a virgin and used it as a testimony to encourage other young ladies.
For the longest time I held myself to that standard as well. I lived to be perfect in the eyes of God and I didn't want to disappoint him or my family. Things were so black and white for me. Whatever the church said not to do, I didn't. I became self-righteous in a since and locked myself into a cocoon of religiosity and was oblivious to the realities of life. I let people place me on a high pedestal, all the while fearing, like Humpty Dumpty, that I would eventually have a great fall. But who was going to put me back together again?
How do I live up to the standards of those who look up to me? How do I live my life and not the life others want me to live? How do I just be Kristin!?
The struggle of Christianity, let alone being a single Christian, is a struggle, but a struggle with great reward none the less. I haven't always made the best decisions and have absolutely chosen to go my own way many times on this journey of life. Not just with sex, but other areas of my life as well. But I thank God that through forgiveness, He absolutely still sees me as his child, called to do his work. Everyday I strive to live better, do better, and love better. I truly believe God showed me on the phone, through my parents, particularly through my earthly father, that He loves me unconditionally. And for that, I am forever grateful!