Sunday, February 15, 2015

The "Expectation" Monster!

"Are we ok?" he asked. 

"We've been in a good place so far right? he asked.

I got past my two date maximum and I was about to ruin it already! We had been dating a few weeks and things were going great. He even asked me to be his Valentine! It was so cute and low-key, I was waiting for him to ask or at least mention Valentines Day! It had been a while since I even recognized the day as a holiday! 

But there was a caveat. His brother was preparing to have his first child. From the same lips that asked me to be his Valentine came words of comfort for the possible departure and disappointment that he would have to make. And I understood. He let me know in advance! The brother got points just for that. Many of his counterparts would not even had given me that pleasure.

So the week of Valentines Day was here. We had been seeing each other just about everyday and my excitement about the day began to rise slightly. He asked about my favorite type of food. He even asked what time I was getting off work on Saturday and what time I could be ready. He was planning. Again, more bonus points! But being the woman that I am, I ask questions too! Throughout the week he would mention that he was talking to his brother and the family, making plans. Not really sure when the baby was coming, but would possibly go the following weekend.  In order to curb my disappointment, I asked what his final plans were.  I got the "man" answer, "I will definitely let you know." This question leaves a woman nothing but frustrated! But around Thursday he finally hit me with the dagger. It was a strong possibility he would have to leave out on Saturday, but still left me with the lingering, "but I will let you know by Saturday morning." 

But ladies, he won a million points by sending flowers to my job Friday afternoon. But my smile only lasted until Saturday morning. He was headed to be with his family, and I was way more disappointed than I thought I would ever be or should be!

Expectations ruined it again! I told myself this time around I was taking it very slow and not getting excited about what I thought it could be. I fought not to envision the long term and just stay in the moment. We were enjoying each others company. He was a gentleman. We laughed together. We were extremely goofy, and I was having fun.  And most of all, we were just friends, no relationship talk had been had. I was trying to do what my wise co-worker told me, "just chill." But of course that is easier said than done, at least for me.

I found myself extremely disappointed and upset. He led me on. I would have been ok if he told me from the jump that he was definitely going out of town. I could have settled with it and kept it moving. But I felt my emotions were getting strung along and then dropped on their head.  Even when I knew he was very apologetic and honestly didn't want to disappoint me, my emotions could not seem to act right! He called all day Saturday and texted me throughout the day. He was checking in to make sure we were ok. I placed an expectation on him after only 2 weeks. He was doomed for failure!

I expected that we would go out on Valentine's Day even though I was warned it may not happen. I felt and expected that he wouldn't let me down. I expected him to read my mind, know my thoughts, emotions, and feelings, and act accordingly. I expected him to act like my man although there was no conversation of a real commitment. I had an emotional roller coaster in my head all by myself and didn't snap out of it until a friend set me straight. 

I was saying out loud how I wanted to act, take it slow and go with the flow, yet I was reacting the polar opposite. I let my guard down too quickly. I was in head first and didn't even realize it. How did i get here?  At the end of the day I control how deep I fall.  And as much as I hate using the word in regards to dating and relationships, it was a "game" in which all my cards were showing!

Proverbs 4:23 reads,"  Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it. As women we are vulnerable and fragile at times. We open our hearts first and deal with the consequences later. As I am learning, guarding is not a bad thing. It is a protection mechanism to keep what God has created for the appointed time and person. I am also learning that out of my heart flow expectations. Expectations are not bad, but must be constrained and contained for the appointed time and person.  

I love the game of basketball, so I will end with this:

A point guard, like other player positions in basketball, specializes in certain skills.  A point guard is a coach on the floor, who can handle and distribute the ball, setting up plays on the court, getting the ball to the teammate in the best position to score, and controlling the tempo of the game. A point guard should know when and how to instigate a fast break and they need to always have in mind the times on the shot clock and the game clock.

The guard is one of, if not the most important person on the team. Guarding requires being in the game, taking control of your heart, emotions, and expectations, and position and play accordingly! So, put me in coach! I am ready to play! Point GUARD it is! I expect to win!