Casting Stones from an Empty Bag!

“You seem like you’re a bit controlling,” he said.

At this point, I felt there was an unofficial announcement to “tear down Kristin” this week and I was completely caught off guard.

We’d only been out one time and talked on the phone twice. But on this particular night, only our second conversation, pulling from what little information he had about me, he felt the need to point out my flaws.  

I innocently shared an old scenario between a roommate and me that didn’t go well concerning rent money. I was simply sharing a story, not looking for scrutiny or counseling, just a listening ear. Instead, I got chastised and judged within the first twenty minutes of the conversation. I was done. I sat in my car and I cried. My emotional, spiritual, and physical tank was on empty. My guard was down, and everything that was fired connected in a detrimental way.

What was going on? From the brother earlier in the week lashing out, attempting to shut me down by alluding that he knew the reason why I was still single, to now this brother calling me controlling!  Not to mention another brother last week who was simply a disappointment in his lack of follow through and accountability, and yet it was still my fault. I figured it out. It’s because I’m black, particularly because I’m a black woman! That has to be it!!

And no, none of these men are my husband or have any significant role in my life. But when your guard is down and you're standing on shaky ground of self confidence, any negative words, no matter who they come from, will hurt, and they did.

And let me just put this out there.  I have no problem admitting my flaws and saying what my struggles are. Heck, I went to counseling for some of my struggles and recommend it everytime I get a chance. My beef is not with what the brothers said, because there’s a bit of truth in every word, but how and when they said it. They weren’t looking to uplift or encourage me.  They were looking to deflect and turn what mirrored their struggles or insecurities and place them on me.

The common denominator amongst these men were their statuses. Each man was single, over the age of 35, one over the age of 40, great jobs, successful, never been married, and no kids.  Hot commodities, right? God’s gifts to the woman, right? Not so! These are men, just like me, who contain all great qualities on paper but have struggles and insecurities, just like me! So why is it that these men think it’s ok to tear down or demonize the woman, particularly the black woman, because of her flaws, yet can't seem to get a clue that there may be a particular reason why they are still single, never been married, and are serial daters.  

If we want to run down stereotypes and stigmas, we’d be here all night. But the point still remains that stereotypes and stigmas come from somewhere. There is some truth in them all. Do some black women have attitudes, declare independence as a badge of honor, and can be a bit controlling and insecure, yes! Do some black men have commitment issues, lack accountability, and believe if they have a little money and a degree that they are God’s gift to women, yes! But we must get a clue, particularly as black men and women. We must uplift and encourage one another as we pursue relationships, whether friendships or romantic.  We must learn how to talk to one another and always seek to speak truth in love and respect.  And most of all, always looking in the mirror before spewing judgment.

I’m reminded of a story in John 8:1-11 in which a woman was found guilty of adultery and was to be stoned by the people of the city. Jesus, being the forgiving, merciful, and loving man that he was and still is, simply said, “The person who is sinless should be the first to throw a stone at her.” (vs. 7)  

One by one they all began to walk away. Jesus went to the woman, stood her up, and asked her,  “did anyone condemn you?”

She replied, “ No one, sir”

He simply replied, “I don't condemn you either. Go! From now on don’t sin.”

I love my black brothers and celebrate their success. But I won't celebrate egotistical, arrogant, men who are blinded by themselves and their success and aren't accountable for their own downfalls and flaws. And neither will I accept it from bitter, insecure, overbearing woman who seek to demonize the black man.  We are all in this struggle called life together and don't have stones to throw because Christ holds them all, yet he throws none!

At the end of the day our confidence and strength lie in God, not in a man or a woman, but we are called to be in relationship with them nonetheless. So, never let a person take what they never gave you: your strength and confidence. I was a victim of it this week, but I promise you I am stronger because of it due to the solid relationships I have around me and the unbeknownst prayers that were sent up when I couldn't pray for myself.  This single and dating life is no joke, and being a minister doesn't negate the struggles that come along with it. I’m presumed to be the strong one, but I just can’t be strong all the time. I’m simply grateful that I have Christ and I'm growing, and that's more than enough for me!

Oh No He Didn't!

“I can see why you’re still looking for a man,” he said.

Let me set the scene of the crime, because you know the brother’s life was at stake as soon as the words left his mouth. It was a Sunday afternoon, right after morning worship. Service had just ended. The spirit was high and the word went forth, “Supernatural Confidence.”  At least that’s what I had before he spoke those words to me.

It started out as a pleasant conversation over business matters and trickled down into ministry matters. I began to question and challenge him on his purpose and impact in the particular ministry he was a part of because I was curious.  I was baffled and saddened by his lack of understanding regarding the needs of those of that ministry, kids, of all people!  As legitimate as he thought his words were, he was talking nonsense, at least in my personal opinion.  Now I will admit, I was constantly cutting the brother off because I was no longer willing to hear his point of view. That’s when he hit me with the Mike Tyson low blow.  

Did I mention it was Sunday and right after a powerful worship service? It took God and all the angels in heaven not to lay that brother out across the altar, and not for prayer purposes either!

How dare he say that to me! Because he was upset that I wouldn't let him speak? Because I speak my mind and challenge men when necessary? Because he was being challenged by a woman, a younger woman at that? Because he assumed that I was actually “looking for a man”? Because I write a blog about dating and he assumed I was single?  

After I told him how his over forty, still single, never been married, African-American self could take several seats, I  kindly told him never to come for me again unless I sent for him.  I walked away gracefully in my 5-inch heels, but was officially hurt!

I was actually in a bit of a fragile place.  I was coming off of a disappointment from a guy I’d been talking to and my confidence level was running a bit on the empty side. The word my pastor spoke was right on time and resonated with my spirit. But it’s always like the enemy to snatch the very word you need right from underneath you before you can even walk out the church building.

But let me digress for just a second. I always find it interesting that men love to spew out the phrase, "thats why you're still single" when they assume women are being "too much" and just so happen to be single. But rarely do I find that women say that phrase to men who are also in the same boat, single!! It's such a double standard! When did the defining reasoning for a woman being single be based soley on her strong willed demeanor and attitude, but a single black man over 40 who has never been married is simply single because he's a hot commodity waiting to make his choice? Because he cant possibly have any flaws, right??

Although the brother apologized numerous times, I couldn't help but go down doubting, insecure, memory lane. Was that really the reason I was still single? Am I too strong? Too overbearing? I've been told numerous times that I have a strong personality, and I do! I can accept that and embrace it. It’s never my intention to disrespect or disregard anyone or their opinions, but when something is important to me, especially if it’s a passion of mine, I will probably go for blood! It’s a blessing and a curse, but I promise you it's in God’s hands. There is a time and a place for everything. Every battle is not meant to be fought AND won by Kristin, and I am learning that EVERYDAY. My personality speaks volumes, but I am wise enough to realize when I need to give it over to God to curtail and smooth out some rough edges.  And believe it or not, He’s been doing quite a bit of smoothing lately! That brother should have thanked his lucky stars!

I’ve heard that some men like a woman who is strong and outspoken, but I do understand that a man also likes a woman who is understanding, gentle, and submissive (in the most biblical and positive way).  Some say I will need a man who is just as strong, if not stronger than me, to put me in my place, while others say opposites attract.  Who really knows?  All I do know is that I will put my confidence and trust in God as he continues to make this rock a beautiful diamond. And as for that brother, well we know why he's still single right?! LOL

But Do You Accept Me?

“If you meet a great person who you wish would change, again, not the right person for you. They could be, but at the moment, as they are, they’re not. The right person for you is the person who wants what you want, and accepts you as you are and vice versa.” (excerpt from the article “3 Reasons You Haven't Attracted the Right Person Yet”)

“But do you accept me for who I am?” she asks. One of my friends uses this phrase more often than not. She simply desires that people accept her for who she is and it drives me crazy, especially when I feel like I have accepted her for who she is, crazy and all! But I think I’m starting to get it.

This quote hit me in a familiar place. How many times have I met a great guy, but wished that at least one thing was different about him? More specifically, as a Christian, how many times have I met a great man and simply wished they were saved, or at least a bit more serious about their spiritual walk? They present themselves with great qualities and have the potential to be a great husband, but the salvation piece is non-existent or on the back burner. Hey, it’s 2015. How about when you meet a great guy only to find out that he is gay and not checking for your team at all!  Am I willing to walk away and be ok with the fact that “...they could be, but at the moment, as they are, they’re not [the one]?” 

This applies to friendships and other relationships as well. What does it really mean to accept someone? It's simply amazing how much I’ve learned from being in relationship and practicing communication with my girlfriends.  There was a time when I didn't even like to be around other females!  But God! I’m learning practical application that I can someday apply to my next and final relationship (hint! hint!)

A particular friend and I had a recent disagreement and subconsciously began to drift apart. We didn't talk on the phone as much or even spend much time around each other, but the time was much needed!  Under normal circumstances, I would’ve simply cut her off and kept it moving. It was simply my M.O.  But when you take a look around and realize you have no friends, you start to reevaluate your coping methods.  This time, God wouldn't allow me to let it go. I kept thinking about her and praying for her, still asking God, but why?  Without a real explanation, other than God healed both of our hearts and used the space to bring clarity, we are back together again, talking on the phone and hanging like we use to. But it dawned on me that my accepting of her was under my own terms; I accepted her through the eyes of Kristin and not through God, and I, therefore, was not accepting her at all.   

This was a hard pill to swallow and a hard truth to face.  This article wasn't speaking of seeing a person as perfect, but simply accepting who they are at that very moment and desiring nothing more than what's presented.  Do we really do that with anybody? We always desire change in people, or at least, I can be honest and say that I do. Is it judging? Sometimes, but most of the time, it's simply a desire to see something that you currently don't see but potentially know is there.

As women, we always desire to fix, change, and rearrange. It’s just apart of who we are and how we’re wired, but it's simply NOT OUR JOB! Most men and people in general just want to know that you accept them, respect them and will support them. But we must understand that if a man presents with fundamental differences at that very moment that don't line up with your fundamental truths, we must let him be! What I like most about that article is that it didn't say cut them off! It simply means to let them be! Don't get too invested. We can't force someone to be the one or get entangled in what we wish and desire would or could be.  Shoulda, woulda, coulda killed the cat!  The change will come with time.  We can want more in the present only if what the present represents is potential with desire for change.  A woman CANNOT change a man! She can only inspire and encourage and then support the changes that will come by his own desire and will. 

Just like we can’t change a man, I couldn't change my friend, only God could. I can't keep looking for the perfect man or perfect friend with all their ducks in a row! Who actually has that anyway?! Clearly, not me! But I must look to God to show me how to bestow the same grace, mercy, and love that he has shown me, and let Him do the work! He’s a great matchmaker and a relationship expert. I trust Him, do you? 

Being Mary Jane....

“You deserve more than the words ‘I love you’”, he said.

This past Tuesday was the season premiere of “Being Mary Jane,” the drama series starring Gabrielle Union portraying a young, single, black, successful woman who is climbing the ladder of success while stumbling down the stairs of love.  It was a season three premiere that was simply one word: AMAZING!! Many have negative comments toward the show, but I find it to be refreshing and relatable. Yes, she slept with a married man, only for one season, though! No, she is not perfect. And yes, the eye candy on her show is truly worth the watch! I use to want to be a journalist. Her strive toward success is inspiring, and I find that her relationship struggles hit closer to home than I expected.

I attempted to tweet throughout the show but just couldn't keep up with all the great quotes that were catapulting from the actors mouths! The writing was great. The story line was real, and I was left thinking and questioning things in my own life, even after it was all over. I can’t really say I feel that way after Scandal and Empire. I’m just saying! (sips tea)

One particular scene, my favorite scene, was between Mary Jane and her youngest brother. As they sat on her bed discussing the real reason she experienced a loss of control of her car and, therefore, ended up in a car accident, he simply shared the truth.  She overheard her ex-boyfriend and best friend discuss a sexual relationship they had, and in shock, she ended up swerving and hitting a pole.

Her brother was sincere and honest in letting her know that the man she thought she loved wasn’t willing to fight for her.  Her ex boyfriend was the love of her life and the man she desired to marry, yet they just couldn't seem to work it out. Mary Jane was always the one reaching out and fighting to make it work, yet his fight seemed to be non-existent.  Her brother explained that because he grew up accustomed to everything being given to him, he didn't have to fight or work for much of anything, let alone a woman and a relationship.  He didn't deserve her.  He said, “you deserve more than the words ‘I love you’.”  

As Mary Jane began to rationalize and defend him, like only women can, she stated, “I simply just  want to be loved and for a man to think of me as someone he couldn't live without.”  I almost cried! The truth of that statement pierced straight through my heart.  What woman doesn’t want to feel that way? What woman hasn't sat and fantasized about the day a man would say that to her? And what woman hasn’t heard a man say the words “I love you” and “ I can't live without you” and experienced heart break all in the same breathe.  

Words are just that, words.  They can only hold so much weight before they fall to the waist side. It takes action to keep a word afloat and alive. I’ve struggled for a long time, taking the words of a man and not requiring much action. I too, like Mary Jane, desire love and attention. I desire to be someone’s everything.  Simply hearing certain phrases would make my heart smile and meet a need that longed for affirmation and attention, yet feeling empty when the action behind the words never came to full fruition.  I found myself settling with the words just being good enough, but deeply desiring more. Did I deserve more? Were the words just to be enough?  Will I find anyone better?

The truth of the matter is, yes! I deserve more and words are not enough.  Mary Jane deserves more. Yes, even her fictional character who inadvertently represents many women, deserves more!

 

A scripture says, “ you can recognize them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act.” (Matthew 7:16).  To recognize means to watch and then acknowledge.  We must require a man to show us how he feels about us and not just tell us what he thinks we want to hear. And when he shows you, believe him! It’s like a game of spades. His actions are his two, his words are his “possibles”. His words come with doubt, but his actions come with certainty.   

You deserve more than the words ‘I love you’.  You are worth the fight. You are worth the wait. You are worth the time. You are worth the work. You are worth it.  You deserve every action of the phrase “I love you”.  They say faith without works is dead. I would also venture to say that love without works is simply non-existent.  Just ask this guy named Jesus. His action spoke loud and clear, and are still speaking today! (John 3:16)

Are You Ready?

This is a guest post by Dawn Sanders. She is a writer who blogs about overcoming adversity and building a life you love. She lives outside of the Washington, DC area and serves as a minister at a local church. She has served as a great example in my life. You can read her blog, follow her on Twitter, and Facebook.

Recently, a mentee asked me to write a post for ladies-in-waiting. Her request took me back. Don’t get me wrong. I am waiting, but not specifically for marriage. I am waiting for the next big thing in my life—whatever that may be. It may be marriage; it may be something else entirely. Whatever my next blessing is though, I want to be ready to receive it.

That is my challenge to singles and anyone else waiting for their next big thing: Get Ready! I say this because you don’t want to delay your harvest or worse—miss it all together because you were focused on or distracted by something else.

That almost happened to me with Reggie. When Reggie came along, I was involved with another man. So, I didn’t notice Reggie at first, but he noticed me. When Reggie told the story, he said God spoke to him about me being his wife the first time Reggie saw me. Instead of approaching me though, Reggie watched me to see what kind of woman I was, and if he liked what he saw. Reggie liked what he saw, but unfortunately, I was unavailable.

The gentleman that Reggie was, he didn’t go any further. Instead, Reggie decided to have a few more conversations with God. These conversations led Reggie to wait for one of two things to happen. Either God would end my relationship with the other guy or God would show Reggie someone else.

Thankfully, for Reggie and me, God ended my previous relationship. However, it took three years. Three years wasted because of my distraction by someone else.

The magnitude of this mistake really comes into focus when you consider the pain I experienced in the previous relationship, and that Reggie and I only had four years together—two before marriage and two after—because of Reggie’s unexpected death due to a heart attack. I could have been happy with Reggie, because we were very happy, rather than hurting with someone else.

It all could have been avoided if I had been focused on getting ready. I circle back to this because that is what Reggie did. Yes, he waited on God, but Reggie didn’t spend that time just sitting around moping or complaining because I was unavailable. While he waited, Reggie worked on himself.

There are several nuggets to be mined from this story. Here are three:

1.) Focus

Rather than focusing on what you are missing (i.e. marriage or a mate), focus on what you can do to prepare for your blessing when it arrives. This works when waiting for anything, not just marriage. For instance, I mentioned in another post that writing a book was one of my writing goals. I still believe there is a book in my future, so writing this blog allows me to hone my writing skills while helping others. This allows me to do something positive in the present while preparing for something else positive in the future. Sounds like a win-win to me! Focus on what you can do to prepare for your blessing when it arrives. 

Focus on what you can do to prepare for your blessings when they arrive #AreYouReady

2.) Patience

The key to patience is having the desire in the right place in your heart. Reggie was patient because he was in control of his desire to get married. His desire wasn’t in control of him.

Allowing your desire to control you makes you a victim of your circumstances. Then, you are reactive rather than proactive. On the other hand, proactivity gives you choices so you can take advantage of opportunities and seek alternatives. That way, you can make the most of today.

Reggie demonstrated his control over his desire when he didn’t react to God telling him I would be his wife by approaching me while I was involved with someone else. Our God is a God of Order and that would have been out of order. Alternately, Reggie was proactive by watching and praying.

“If you’re proactive, you don’t have to wait for circumstances or other people to create perspective expanding experiences. You can consciously create your own.” – Stephen Covey

Another reason to be patient is that your heart’s desire may be closer than you think. Remember Reggie noticed me. I just didn’t know it. Had I been ready we could have moved forward in our blessing that much sooner.

The key to patience is having control of your desire rather than your desire controlling you. #AreYouReady

3.) Distractions

Don’t allow distractions to get in your way before, during, or after the wait. While working on this blog prior to announcing it earlier this week, many distractions tried to pull me off task. In fact, the attack came on all fronts: home due to a leak that caused an unexpected renovation, family in the form of my mother’s hospitalization and following healthcare, and work’s ongoing demands. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy our blessings (John 10:10). Don’t let him do it.

Another way Satan attempts to distract is with a counterfeit. You know what a counterfeit is, right? An imitation designed to cheat you out of your blessing. Often you don’t realize it is a fake until it is too late—after investing too much in it. That is what happened with the relationship I was in when I met Reggie.

Now, some of you may think, how will I know if s/he is Mr./Ms. Right if I don’t explore the relationship? To that I say, do what Reggie did: watch and pray. Check the person out before jumping in. Doing that would have saved me a lot of time, not to mention pain and heartache. The signs were there before I ever went out on a date with that guy that he wasn’t the one for me. I just ignored them. Now, I follow Maya Angelou’s advice: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time.” 

Don't allow distractions to block your blessings. #AreYouReady

These three mindsets served Reggie well while waiting for me. They enabled him to wait three years for his harvest, and I am oh so glad he did. So much so that I believe if you follow his model, you will be glad you did too.

Until next time,

Dawn

P. S. Check out the rest of this series: Part two switches gears to what we can do to improve our relationship skills, part three continues with what we can do to improve our emotional health, part four shares what we can do to improve our physical health, part five moves to what we can do to get ready in regards to our finances, and part six concludes with what we can do to grow spiritually.

Questions: Are you focused or distracted during your season of preparation? How so? Where is your desire in your heart? Does it have control of you? Or are you in control of it? What can you do to gain control over it? Please respond by clicking on the Comment, Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest buttons below.

Just One of 'dem Days!

“You don’t want a drink?” he asked.

It was just one of ‘dem days.  It’d been a rough week, and it didn't help that, on this day, it was “that time of the month.”  I felt some type of way about EVERYTHING! My back was hurting, I was feeling lonely, and anything anybody said to me made me feel emotional and somewhat bothered.  My poor patients, particularly the old men, didn't stand a chance. I was not in the mood for the sly compliments and daily request for me to be their “personal caregivers.” Today wasn't the day!

Did I mention I was feeling lonely? So I decided to take myself out on a solo date. Why may you ask? I’m really not sure.  The ironic thing is, I was actually supposed to have a date that day, but it fell through, so I assumed that maybe I needed to be with myself for a bit.  Maybe do what so many other women are doing these days, “date myself.”

I finished up with my patients a bit early that day and after going grocery shopping, I decided to take myself out to Chevys, a TexMex restaurant in the area that I hadn't been to in a while.  It was a Thursday afternoon and I was craving quesadillas with chips and salsa. Table for one, please!

Can I just say, solo dates are for the birds! Who came up with that concept!? I mean, I get it. You want to know that you can treat your own self and spend time with yourself and be one with yourself! Listen, I can do that all by my lonesome in my own home! Do I have to go out in public and be solo?  It was just a bit awkward, on top of the fact my phone died, so I seriously had to be by myself! Thank goodness they were showing football on the televisions because, did I mention, it was just a bit awkward! I felt like my waiter kept giving me looks and assuming someone else was going to join me.

Now, I will say it was a bit peaceful because the bar area was not packed and my food came out quite quickly. I was able to “woosah” my day away with salsa, chips, and quesadillas. I truly wanted a drink, but I was headed to a meeting at church and let’s just say, I didn't want to lose my collar that night! But, it was definitely a strong consideration!  A nice frozen strawberry margarita would have done me just right! But there’s that whole ministry, boundaries, wisdom, discernment piece that kicked in all at the same time. I abstained! Growth! Y'all don't know when to shout!

So as I drove to church blasting Monica’s “Just One of ‘dem Days”, I really thought to myself, solo dates really aren’t that bad. The concept can be a bit much when women talk about buying themselves flowers, dressing up, and actually going on a date by themselves! Now that I just wouldn't do! But some much needed time away with yourself wouldn’t hurt every now again.  In actuality, it could be the best thing for you; just having peace and silence with yourself and truly enjoying your own company.  I’m clearly not a man, but a woman who is comfortable with herself and finds joy in who she is outside of other people is so attractive!

I’m actually planning a solo trip to Philadelphia at the end of the month. I’m headed there to do a fashion show and decided to make it a weekend trip. On top of the fact that I love staying in hotels, I’ve never been to Philly, so I look forward to that time in the city.  I do plan to connect with friends that I know in the area, but I will definitely be spending a majority of my time with myself, maybe even catch a train to New York City! Ok, maybe that might be a bit much, but hey, I’m on a roll here!  And hey, I may even meet “Mr. Right” on my solo-cation, because ladies, what a man finds even more attractive is a woman who is by herself and not surrounded by a bunch of women! Don't miss your blessing by always being in the crowd!

So, I think I’ll leave the flowers, wining, and dining to my man, whoever he may be, but at the end of the day, it's all about knowing, loving, and accepting you in your own space and time.  I always ask myself, “Would I marry me?” “Would I date me?” and even simply “Would I want to spend time me?” And the answer is simply and emphatically, Yes!!

It's Cuffing Season!

“Just know you may get cuffed," he said.

I was talking to a male friend one night and I offered to stop by to visit because he wasn't feeling well.

He works late so the hour in which I would have stopped by was not the most appropriate time to make a visit. Back in the day, and actually still today, it would’ve been called a “booty call” hour.  With all good intentions, my motives were pure and there was no getting around his late work schedule. Although he was joking, I came to realize, as strong as I proclaim myself to be, it’s been awhile since I’ve experienced the affection of a man and It was a setup like no other. And if I can be VERY honest, it was a test I was probably not going to pass! I contemplated, prayed, and decided to stay home and cuff my pillow instead!

I recently learned of this term “cuffing” during a church meeting. Go figure! The presenter jokingly shared possible topics for small groups, one of them being the “Cuffing Season” group! I was intrigued and immediately took to my Google search to look up this new term. And lo’ and behold, good ole’ urbandictionary.com never ceases to give meaning to unusual words and terms. Allow me to share their definition for more clarity:

“During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves, along with the rest of the world, desiring to be "Cuffed" or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.”

As a single person, cold wintery days, particularly snow days, awaken the yearning for a “boo thang” to snuggle against. Not to mention when you have to go to work in those snow days and he can shovel out your car! Amen! And it's football season! It’s nothing like spending time with a man, wearing his sweats and oversized t-shirts, cuddling while he shouts and scream for his favorite team, all the while you’re asking, “so what’s first down mean again?”

As a Christian, the season of singleness brings various emotions, particularly during the Fall and Winter months. Loneliness and desperation are real emotions that run rampant amongst single persons. It’s a struggle not to cling or “cuff” yourself to someone just to appease your desires and yearnings.  You’re fighting just to abstain and keep your “holiness” intact. So what do you do?

First, be honest about your feelings! It’s important to acknowledge your current state of emotion and yearnings to God and to close friends. God desires that we share every part of ourselves with him. Of course, he already knows, but it's something about audibly announcing your feelings into the atmosphere so that God can encompass and surround you with the peace, comfort, and love that you need at that moment and throughout. It's equally important to announce your feelings to others who can support, pray, and keep you accountable in this season!   

Second, stay busy and flee! Find other activities that will keep your mind occupied and focused on things other than relationship seeking and sulking. The gym has become my new hang out spot! I can work out all my pent up aggression and burn calories all at the same time!! Hanging with friends and doing group activities can ease your discontentment and unsettledness as well. Taking the time to discover and focus on your purpose and passion will definitely occupy a chunk of your mind, space, and time! But, the truth still remains, you want a relationship, not just a Fall/Winter “boo thang,” and that’s ok too.

If and when you do meet someone, it's important to set up realistic and obtainable boundaries that both you and your mate can agree upon. House dates may not be the best idea even though it's 20 below outside, and the sun goes down by 5 o’clock! Talk about a setup!  Keep it out the house. Ladies, this may also cause the brother to have to spend a little extra cash than expected, but you're worth it and so is the outcome! It's called sowing and reaping!

Accountability is another key in this thing called dating. My friends and I decided to text the hashtag “Cuffing Season” whenever we found ourselves struggling to abstain.  My friend actually used it the other night while she was out on a date. We immediately called her, talked with her and prayed. We checked in again at the end of the night just to make sure she went home alone, and she did! It's real out here in this season!  

Now, whether you take heed to the accountability is always where the trouble lies.  “But I just wanted to cuddle” is always the last confessed words after "it" goes down. The question then remains, how bad do you want to please God and have a relationship after his heart? And if you’re seeking to be married, how bad do want to be a wife and not just a convenient “cuddle buddy?”

And one last note to my ladies. Most of the time all we really want to do is actually just cuddle, but we know most men may not be able to just do that. We can't become selfish with our own desires and negate the struggle and desire of the man.  Set your boundaries and keep them! At the end of the day, you are your brother's keeper!

The term “Cuffing Season” just gives a title to a life-long struggle single persons encounter throughout this journey until God drops your mate at the appointed time.  Throughout all seasons, the desire for companionship and intimacy are ever present.  As Christians, we must maintain our purity, cling to God’s principles, and walk this life out before others. We must set an example in this earth no matter what the season.

Is it a bit difficult, cumbersome, frustrating, extra, weird, etc.? Yep! But is it also worth it, and a blessing? Absolutely! Waiting and claiming are still right and bring God glory.  And just for the record, don't beat yourself up if you fall or slip. Cling and “cuff” to God’s word. Your season isn't up yet!