"I don't think I can do this anymore," he said.
My heart sank. It was the very phrase I didn't want to hear. But to be honest, I knew it was coming. He had become distant over the last week and I couldn't put my finger on why. While I was away visiting my family our communication was very limited and short. When I returned home we had "the talk." He finally shared his true feelings about my attitude toward him and his feeling of inadequacy when it came to meeting my expectations. I made him feel as though he couldn't do anything right! Yep, that sounds like me! I couldn't do anything but apologize for the way I treated him and asked if time could heal and help us move forward in the relationship.
His response, " I honestly don't have the patience to deal with you. Its something you need to work on, and you won't change overnight."
Talk about a slap in the face! But it wasn't like I hadn't hear it before! Deja Vu! Another one bites the dust! I seem to leave a trail of good men who have a low tolerance for attitudes and emotionalism. Go figure! Who wants to put up with that? He made a decision of what he would and would not deal with and moved on. I don't blame him! I'm not even mad at him! He did what he needed to do for him.
But may I vent for a few seconds:
The same patience he sought from me when he didn't live up to my expectations seemed to be NONEXISTENT when it came to the patience I sought from him to work through my emotions. I thought there was a commitment, but it was more like temporary companionship. I was going through a family crisis and at the first sign of trouble he bailed! Not the man I need in my life!
I 'm a fighter. I fight for what I believe in and I don't give up. I'm always willing to do the work to make it last. To be honest, this week I felt like a failure. Another relationship for the books and back to being single. But the thing about having a relationship with God, He always seems to prepare you for what is to come and ultimately remind you of who He is and His number one place in your life.
While I was at home, my dad unexpectedly asked me to preach Sunday morning. Did I mention he asked me Saturday morning! Word to the wise, be ye always ready! I was not ready! LOL But God gave a word. My message was entitled: "Stay with God". Who knew that that was the word that would carry me during this time. It reminded me that if I needed to fight to stay with anyone, its God! The God who says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." And the God who says," Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." That's the man I needed in my life!
Now please don't get me wrong. The word of God comforts and absolutely meets all of my needs, but there is nothing like the presence of a human body in the form of a man who will commit to you and meet your needs, preferably over 6'0 tall, loves long walks on the beach, has a beard......but I digress. But I'm alright with waiting on God. He has yet again revealed that there is work to be done on Kristin.
Being in a relationship right now can't heal and deliver what needs to be worked out in me. Some things only come through prayer, fasting.......and some counseling! Yep, I'm going to take the step that I've shied away from, heck, that most black people and church people have shied away from. Its taboo to say you're going to counseling. Just pray about it and God will work it out! The devil is a liar! Sometimes an extra step needs to take place, and for me, that extra step is to sit and talk with someone who can assist me in finding the root of my emotions and ways to manage and control them. When one person tells you you have a problem, you smile and nod your head. But when you have three men who you were in relationship with, that absolutely don't know each other, say the exact same thing concerning your attitude and break up with you, you might want to talk to somebody!
So, I celebrate me! I love me! I'm grateful for going through each relationship and seeing that God loved me enough to shut it down, so that he can continue to build me up! God has things for me to do and places for me to go! Taking a break from the dating process and taking the time to get to know Kristin more! She's kind of cool and deserves the attention!
Scripture References: Deuteronomy 31:6; Matthew 11:28
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Sunday, March 8, 2015
World War Me!
"Are we OK? And please be honest," I told him
Women's intuition told me something wasn't right. But to be honest, I knew it was me and the damage I had already done. It was deja vu all over again. It was like my past relationships were flashing before my eyes. I was doing it again! And he was a good one! Why am I like this? What's really going on with me? Maybe I just should suffice on being single for the rest of my life!
The battlefield of emotions are real. And for me, it was like World War Me! You think you have overcome a struggle that has left a trail of scars on your heart, only to realize the struggle is back, and on its way to ruining another potential relationship. I'm emotional. But to top it off, I'm emotional out loud! I wear my emotions on my sleeves for all to see and respond without thought or care concerning the other person. It's always about me and how I feel.
During my season of singleness, after my last relationship ended, I realized that I seriously needed help in the area of controlling my emotions. I struggled with containing my emotions when I felt an expectation wasn't being met. I would catch attitudes at the drop of a hat. A great day, could turn into a horrible day with just one action that didn't go my way. Instead of being cool and communicating effectively how I felt, I shut down. I would shut him out with the famous words, "I'm good." I would come to my senses, apologize, and vow to do better. I would do well for a few weeks and then the emotional monster would rear her ugly head again. When the relationship ended, I knew something had to change. I was being destructive to others, and most of all, myself.
I started reading books by Joyce Meyers on controlling emotions. I even sat and talked with someone on strategies to over come my struggle. I was putting in the work. I even fasted and prayed, asking God to increase the fruit of patience and self control in my life. I desired to be a healthier Kristin. Not just to be in another relationship, but just for myself, and all the relationships in my life. I celebrated my progress and was on my way to emotional freedom!
Or so I thought. The devil hears your prayers just as much as God does! I got another chance. Met a great guy and we hit it off well. We're a month into dating and the emotional monster comes with a vengeance. But this time during a more sensitive time in my life. I was dealing with the sickness of my father along with other friends who were either in the hospital or going through circumstances. My sensitivity was at an all time high, and my expectations were also on high. I just needed him to know what do and how, but most men don't work that way! I was constantly snapping at him when he didn't do what I expected. I mean, he couldn't just read my mind! Of course not, but that's what I needed!
But what about him? In the mist of all that I was dealing with, I didn't stop to truly think about him. How was I making him feel. What was he thinking? Did I reach my quota of attitude and emotions already? Do I even meet his expectations? He was a good man who deserved more of my patience and understanding and less of my attitude; more of my appreciation and less of my entitled behavior.
So much for being "cool". I revealed a side of me that I thought I was healed and delivered from. The fight to stay calm and be cool was like Pacquiao and Mayweather in my chest. I wanted to keep my emotions down and be understanding; take the high road and be patient. We were just getting to know one another. I cant honestly expect him to be Superman and Jesus. I mean, that's just too much pressure don't you think?
I had to realize, we never truly arrive, and when we think we do, God will always remind you there is more work to be done. So back on my knees I go, turning down my plate, and seeking Him more. I refuse to go backwards in my progress of a better me. I've come too far, and there is so much more road ahead of me. I still desire to be a wife and a mother, but I desire to be healthy woman first!
Women's intuition told me something wasn't right. But to be honest, I knew it was me and the damage I had already done. It was deja vu all over again. It was like my past relationships were flashing before my eyes. I was doing it again! And he was a good one! Why am I like this? What's really going on with me? Maybe I just should suffice on being single for the rest of my life!
The battlefield of emotions are real. And for me, it was like World War Me! You think you have overcome a struggle that has left a trail of scars on your heart, only to realize the struggle is back, and on its way to ruining another potential relationship. I'm emotional. But to top it off, I'm emotional out loud! I wear my emotions on my sleeves for all to see and respond without thought or care concerning the other person. It's always about me and how I feel.
During my season of singleness, after my last relationship ended, I realized that I seriously needed help in the area of controlling my emotions. I struggled with containing my emotions when I felt an expectation wasn't being met. I would catch attitudes at the drop of a hat. A great day, could turn into a horrible day with just one action that didn't go my way. Instead of being cool and communicating effectively how I felt, I shut down. I would shut him out with the famous words, "I'm good." I would come to my senses, apologize, and vow to do better. I would do well for a few weeks and then the emotional monster would rear her ugly head again. When the relationship ended, I knew something had to change. I was being destructive to others, and most of all, myself.
I started reading books by Joyce Meyers on controlling emotions. I even sat and talked with someone on strategies to over come my struggle. I was putting in the work. I even fasted and prayed, asking God to increase the fruit of patience and self control in my life. I desired to be a healthier Kristin. Not just to be in another relationship, but just for myself, and all the relationships in my life. I celebrated my progress and was on my way to emotional freedom!
Or so I thought. The devil hears your prayers just as much as God does! I got another chance. Met a great guy and we hit it off well. We're a month into dating and the emotional monster comes with a vengeance. But this time during a more sensitive time in my life. I was dealing with the sickness of my father along with other friends who were either in the hospital or going through circumstances. My sensitivity was at an all time high, and my expectations were also on high. I just needed him to know what do and how, but most men don't work that way! I was constantly snapping at him when he didn't do what I expected. I mean, he couldn't just read my mind! Of course not, but that's what I needed!
But what about him? In the mist of all that I was dealing with, I didn't stop to truly think about him. How was I making him feel. What was he thinking? Did I reach my quota of attitude and emotions already? Do I even meet his expectations? He was a good man who deserved more of my patience and understanding and less of my attitude; more of my appreciation and less of my entitled behavior.
So much for being "cool". I revealed a side of me that I thought I was healed and delivered from. The fight to stay calm and be cool was like Pacquiao and Mayweather in my chest. I wanted to keep my emotions down and be understanding; take the high road and be patient. We were just getting to know one another. I cant honestly expect him to be Superman and Jesus. I mean, that's just too much pressure don't you think?
I had to realize, we never truly arrive, and when we think we do, God will always remind you there is more work to be done. So back on my knees I go, turning down my plate, and seeking Him more. I refuse to go backwards in my progress of a better me. I've come too far, and there is so much more road ahead of me. I still desire to be a wife and a mother, but I desire to be healthy woman first!
Monday, March 2, 2015
Save the Drama for your Mama!
"So what's new on the dating scene?" she asked me.
Now, I hesitated before I responded. Do I really want to tell my mother that I'm dating someone new? Ever since I moved out of the house, over ten years ago, she has had a strong desire to know everything that is going on in my life, and I mean EVERYTHING! I guess it's her way of staying connected and keeping her role as a mother up to date, but it drives me crazy!
I look at my other friend's relationships to their mothers and the closeness they share. I desire to be able to share intimate details of my life with my mother; particularly who I am dating, but the truth is, my mother and I have not always had that close knit relationship. I found myself sharing more things with my dad then I did with my mother. Maybe it's because she was a military mom and I saw her more as a disciplinarian than a confidant. She was a provider, but not necessarily the intimate "girl talk" type of mother. And to be very honest, my mother is a gossip! She means no harm, but she couldn't hold water to save her life! But as I've gotten older, I've made a decision to truly work on my relationship with my mother and let her in on aspects of my life.
But also, as I've gotten older, having three failed relationships under my belt, I've learned that talking about my relationships early on leads to too many opinions, questions, and expectations on a relationship that has yet to fully be developed. People want to know more than you are willing to give. The pressure to live up to the expectations can be damaging in the long run. So I am learning to just be quiet. But it's a struggle, especially when you are happy and enjoy the person you are with. You want to tell the world!
So reluctantly I shared with my mother that I was dating someone new. And the flood gates were open! She wanted to know his job history, spiritual back ground, family history, specific physical features and to top it off, she asked for a picture! It was only matter of time before the social security number question would come up! What did I get myself into!?
My mother shared with me that she has been praying that I would find the right man, my husband. She witnessed my previous breakups and genuinely just wants me to be happy. She is also genuinely ready to plan and experience the wedding of her only daughter, and desires grand children to spoil. No pressure though, right?
Well, pressure it is! One night while I was hanging out with "the new guy", I get a call from my mother. I answer because I hadn't talked to her all day, and I was low-key avoiding her calls. She proceeds to probe me about my location and current activities. I reluctantly share that I was at his house just hanging out. I shared with my mother that we had went out earlier that day, had dinner, and were now just relaxing. Her question to me," Do you tell him thank you? I looked at the phone. She raised me right. If anyone does anything for me I always say thank you, numerous times if led to. She then proceeds to tell me that I must tell him thank you because he does not have to be nice to me. Pause. Was he doing me a favor? Was I a charity case? We were dating. He wasn't doing anything that he didn't want to do, and I always showed my appreciation to him. She then proceeds to tell me that I must tell him thank you right then and there while she was still on the phone. She couldn't be serious! Oh, but she was! Relentless is not the word for it! After I said no numerous times and threatened to hang up on her, she began to yell out his name hoping that he would hear her!!! She was so serious! I wish I was making this up, but I'm not! After a few more attempts, she finally got the hint and I hung up.
What just happened? My mother has finally gone off the deep end! Where do we go from here? I had to take it to a higher power. I called my father! I explained the crazy antics of his wife, and all he could do was laugh!
"Baby, you know how your mother is, but she really just wants you to be happy," he said.
And the crazy part is, I knew that too. She is my mother, and for the 30 years that I have known her, the crazy hasn't changed. But in my attempt to finally take a relationship slow and develop a friendship, her excitement/love was killing an experience that could ultimately be a life changing one for the both of us!
The line of respect once you cross the threshold into adulthood can be a tricky road to cross with your parents. I wholeheartedly believe in Exodus 20:12, "Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." But I also believe Ephesians 6:4, "Fathers [mothers] don't make your children bitter about life..." I love and respect my mother, but at this point in my life, I desire just a mustard seed of respect as an adult. She raised me to be strong, independent, and intelligent in all my decision makings. But I also realize that she is not changing. So I expect her antics, let her have her moment, knowing the true motive behind it is love.
Mothers, can't live with them after 18, but Lord knows I wouldn't be the woman I am today, and I absolutely couldn't live without her!
Exodus 20:12 [NIV]
Ephesians 6:4 [God's Word Translation]
Now, I hesitated before I responded. Do I really want to tell my mother that I'm dating someone new? Ever since I moved out of the house, over ten years ago, she has had a strong desire to know everything that is going on in my life, and I mean EVERYTHING! I guess it's her way of staying connected and keeping her role as a mother up to date, but it drives me crazy!
I look at my other friend's relationships to their mothers and the closeness they share. I desire to be able to share intimate details of my life with my mother; particularly who I am dating, but the truth is, my mother and I have not always had that close knit relationship. I found myself sharing more things with my dad then I did with my mother. Maybe it's because she was a military mom and I saw her more as a disciplinarian than a confidant. She was a provider, but not necessarily the intimate "girl talk" type of mother. And to be very honest, my mother is a gossip! She means no harm, but she couldn't hold water to save her life! But as I've gotten older, I've made a decision to truly work on my relationship with my mother and let her in on aspects of my life.
But also, as I've gotten older, having three failed relationships under my belt, I've learned that talking about my relationships early on leads to too many opinions, questions, and expectations on a relationship that has yet to fully be developed. People want to know more than you are willing to give. The pressure to live up to the expectations can be damaging in the long run. So I am learning to just be quiet. But it's a struggle, especially when you are happy and enjoy the person you are with. You want to tell the world!
So reluctantly I shared with my mother that I was dating someone new. And the flood gates were open! She wanted to know his job history, spiritual back ground, family history, specific physical features and to top it off, she asked for a picture! It was only matter of time before the social security number question would come up! What did I get myself into!?
My mother shared with me that she has been praying that I would find the right man, my husband. She witnessed my previous breakups and genuinely just wants me to be happy. She is also genuinely ready to plan and experience the wedding of her only daughter, and desires grand children to spoil. No pressure though, right?
Well, pressure it is! One night while I was hanging out with "the new guy", I get a call from my mother. I answer because I hadn't talked to her all day, and I was low-key avoiding her calls. She proceeds to probe me about my location and current activities. I reluctantly share that I was at his house just hanging out. I shared with my mother that we had went out earlier that day, had dinner, and were now just relaxing. Her question to me," Do you tell him thank you? I looked at the phone. She raised me right. If anyone does anything for me I always say thank you, numerous times if led to. She then proceeds to tell me that I must tell him thank you because he does not have to be nice to me. Pause. Was he doing me a favor? Was I a charity case? We were dating. He wasn't doing anything that he didn't want to do, and I always showed my appreciation to him. She then proceeds to tell me that I must tell him thank you right then and there while she was still on the phone. She couldn't be serious! Oh, but she was! Relentless is not the word for it! After I said no numerous times and threatened to hang up on her, she began to yell out his name hoping that he would hear her!!! She was so serious! I wish I was making this up, but I'm not! After a few more attempts, she finally got the hint and I hung up.
What just happened? My mother has finally gone off the deep end! Where do we go from here? I had to take it to a higher power. I called my father! I explained the crazy antics of his wife, and all he could do was laugh!
"Baby, you know how your mother is, but she really just wants you to be happy," he said.
And the crazy part is, I knew that too. She is my mother, and for the 30 years that I have known her, the crazy hasn't changed. But in my attempt to finally take a relationship slow and develop a friendship, her excitement/love was killing an experience that could ultimately be a life changing one for the both of us!
The line of respect once you cross the threshold into adulthood can be a tricky road to cross with your parents. I wholeheartedly believe in Exodus 20:12, "Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." But I also believe Ephesians 6:4, "Fathers [mothers] don't make your children bitter about life..." I love and respect my mother, but at this point in my life, I desire just a mustard seed of respect as an adult. She raised me to be strong, independent, and intelligent in all my decision makings. But I also realize that she is not changing. So I expect her antics, let her have her moment, knowing the true motive behind it is love.
Mothers, can't live with them after 18, but Lord knows I wouldn't be the woman I am today, and I absolutely couldn't live without her!
Exodus 20:12 [NIV]
Ephesians 6:4 [God's Word Translation]
Monday, February 23, 2015
The "Spiritual" Test
"Would you expect your husband to attend bible study with you every week? he asked.
We hung out one Wednesday night before bible study. We had a small dinner, talked, laughed, and around 6:30 pm I headed out to make it on time, while he stayed at home preparing to go to the gym. He called me later on that evening revealing that he felt a little awkward as I left for bible study and he was still sitting on the couch.
He knew the importance and significance of church in my life. He wanted to know what my expectations would be if we ever decided to move forward in a relationship. Mind you, he does go to church, and his bible study is actually on Tuesday nights. Because of his work schedule and distance from church to work, there are many nights he is unable to make it to the house for bible study, but will watch online.
Had this been a year ago, I would've been very adamant about attending bible study every Wednesday and being in the house, not online! It was a tradition and routine in my house growing up. There was a bit of judgment that came when I even thought about not wanting to go. Oh, but I've learned better! I've been freed of other people's expectations and judgments. I currently work a great distance from my house and church, and work late hours at times. Bible study is a great midweek boost and study of the word of God. Its a more intimate setting where you can ask questions and hear others thoughts and opinions, but there are just some days I just can't make it, and I am ok with that! I'm still saved!
To answer his question, I let him know that I would like for my family to attend church regularly together on Sunday mornings. Bible study during the week would definitely be a great time to share in the word together as a family, but I absolutely understand the midweek hustle and bustle and would not expect him to attend every week.
But being the woman that I am, I started to over analyze and think too hard. Are we on the same page spiritually, not just from our conversation about bible study, but then I began to wonder about other aspects of his spiritual life. Does he read his word frequently? What's his prayer life like? How involved is he in ministry? Is he a worshiper like me? He doesn't talk a lot about God. Is God really that important in his life? I began to judge his entire spiritual life! We discussed our relationship with Christ and he shared his story of salvation and his draw to the church. But he cusses occasionally, doesn't have a strong desire to wait to have sex before marriage, but respects the wishes of the woman he is with. He's not as involved in ministry at church because of his busy work schedule, and he listens to ratchet music in his car at times.
If I began to list my faults, they may far out way his. Well, let's see. I listen to ratchet music in my car occasionally too! Sometimes I just need a good beat to dance to and Yolanda Adams just won't do it! If you push me too far, hallelujah is not the first word to exit my mouth. I've committed to being celibate and waiting until marriage to have sex, but the way my flesh is set up, that battle is not always won! I think negative thoughts at times. I don't treat everyone with kindness every day. And the list goes on and on. But we are both saved and proclaim Jesus Christ.
As a minister and a seminary student, my life demands visible accountability, studying the word, and constant prayer. A burden and blessing that can be difficult to handle and live up to at times. But its a daily process and struggle that I enjoy, because God has been nothing short of a amazing in my life. Unfortunately, it sometimes causes me to become judgmental in seeking a mate because I zoom in solely on their current spiritual walk and forget the time it took me to grow to where I am today. It's still not anywhere of where I should and will be, but God is good! LOL
Questioning and observing his spiritual walk and relationship with Christ is not a bad thing. Ladies, it should be at the top of your list as you date and seek long term relationships. But when you begin to answer and draw your own conclusions, you slip into the realm of judgment and condemnation that we has humans do not have the right to do. Actions tell a lot, but only time and situations can reveal the true essence of who a person truly is. We are called to be in relationship with one another, yet in dating, as Christian women, we tend to devise conversion plans to make him into the man we want and desire and not who God destined him to be. We must accept people where they are and allow God to do the necessary work. This walk is a race that we are not all in at the same pace and distance, but we are in this race together.
As I've gotten older, dating has actually drawn me closer to God as I seek his guidance on relationships. I seek to be married. Not just to any man, but the man God has for me. And that requires constant communication with the one who is preparing my husband. Reminding myself that its only been 3 weeks!! I am going to continue to "chill", enjoy the experience, and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal and lead me in this relationship. It just makes me tighten up my walk that I may be an influence and not a hindrance. Because if he is not the one, then I want to make sure my seed was planted on good soil, and not choked by my judgment and impatience.
We hung out one Wednesday night before bible study. We had a small dinner, talked, laughed, and around 6:30 pm I headed out to make it on time, while he stayed at home preparing to go to the gym. He called me later on that evening revealing that he felt a little awkward as I left for bible study and he was still sitting on the couch.
He knew the importance and significance of church in my life. He wanted to know what my expectations would be if we ever decided to move forward in a relationship. Mind you, he does go to church, and his bible study is actually on Tuesday nights. Because of his work schedule and distance from church to work, there are many nights he is unable to make it to the house for bible study, but will watch online.
Had this been a year ago, I would've been very adamant about attending bible study every Wednesday and being in the house, not online! It was a tradition and routine in my house growing up. There was a bit of judgment that came when I even thought about not wanting to go. Oh, but I've learned better! I've been freed of other people's expectations and judgments. I currently work a great distance from my house and church, and work late hours at times. Bible study is a great midweek boost and study of the word of God. Its a more intimate setting where you can ask questions and hear others thoughts and opinions, but there are just some days I just can't make it, and I am ok with that! I'm still saved!
To answer his question, I let him know that I would like for my family to attend church regularly together on Sunday mornings. Bible study during the week would definitely be a great time to share in the word together as a family, but I absolutely understand the midweek hustle and bustle and would not expect him to attend every week.
But being the woman that I am, I started to over analyze and think too hard. Are we on the same page spiritually, not just from our conversation about bible study, but then I began to wonder about other aspects of his spiritual life. Does he read his word frequently? What's his prayer life like? How involved is he in ministry? Is he a worshiper like me? He doesn't talk a lot about God. Is God really that important in his life? I began to judge his entire spiritual life! We discussed our relationship with Christ and he shared his story of salvation and his draw to the church. But he cusses occasionally, doesn't have a strong desire to wait to have sex before marriage, but respects the wishes of the woman he is with. He's not as involved in ministry at church because of his busy work schedule, and he listens to ratchet music in his car at times.
If I began to list my faults, they may far out way his. Well, let's see. I listen to ratchet music in my car occasionally too! Sometimes I just need a good beat to dance to and Yolanda Adams just won't do it! If you push me too far, hallelujah is not the first word to exit my mouth. I've committed to being celibate and waiting until marriage to have sex, but the way my flesh is set up, that battle is not always won! I think negative thoughts at times. I don't treat everyone with kindness every day. And the list goes on and on. But we are both saved and proclaim Jesus Christ.
As a minister and a seminary student, my life demands visible accountability, studying the word, and constant prayer. A burden and blessing that can be difficult to handle and live up to at times. But its a daily process and struggle that I enjoy, because God has been nothing short of a amazing in my life. Unfortunately, it sometimes causes me to become judgmental in seeking a mate because I zoom in solely on their current spiritual walk and forget the time it took me to grow to where I am today. It's still not anywhere of where I should and will be, but God is good! LOL
Questioning and observing his spiritual walk and relationship with Christ is not a bad thing. Ladies, it should be at the top of your list as you date and seek long term relationships. But when you begin to answer and draw your own conclusions, you slip into the realm of judgment and condemnation that we has humans do not have the right to do. Actions tell a lot, but only time and situations can reveal the true essence of who a person truly is. We are called to be in relationship with one another, yet in dating, as Christian women, we tend to devise conversion plans to make him into the man we want and desire and not who God destined him to be. We must accept people where they are and allow God to do the necessary work. This walk is a race that we are not all in at the same pace and distance, but we are in this race together.
As I've gotten older, dating has actually drawn me closer to God as I seek his guidance on relationships. I seek to be married. Not just to any man, but the man God has for me. And that requires constant communication with the one who is preparing my husband. Reminding myself that its only been 3 weeks!! I am going to continue to "chill", enjoy the experience, and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal and lead me in this relationship. It just makes me tighten up my walk that I may be an influence and not a hindrance. Because if he is not the one, then I want to make sure my seed was planted on good soil, and not choked by my judgment and impatience.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
The "Expectation" Monster!
"Are we ok?" he asked.
"We've been in a good place so far right? he asked.
I got past my two date maximum and I was about to ruin it already! We had been dating a few weeks and things were going great. He even asked me to be his Valentine! It was so cute and low-key, I was waiting for him to ask or at least mention Valentines Day! It had been a while since I even recognized the day as a holiday!
But there was a caveat. His brother was preparing to have his first child. From the same lips that asked me to be his Valentine came words of comfort for the possible departure and disappointment that he would have to make. And I understood. He let me know in advance! The brother got points just for that. Many of his counterparts would not even had given me that pleasure.
So the week of Valentines Day was here. We had been seeing each other just about everyday and my excitement about the day began to rise slightly. He asked about my favorite type of food. He even asked what time I was getting off work on Saturday and what time I could be ready. He was planning. Again, more bonus points! But being the woman that I am, I ask questions too! Throughout the week he would mention that he was talking to his brother and the family, making plans. Not really sure when the baby was coming, but would possibly go the following weekend. In order to curb my disappointment, I asked what his final plans were. I got the "man" answer, "I will definitely let you know." This question leaves a woman nothing but frustrated! But around Thursday he finally hit me with the dagger. It was a strong possibility he would have to leave out on Saturday, but still left me with the lingering, "but I will let you know by Saturday morning."
But ladies, he won a million points by sending flowers to my job Friday afternoon. But my smile only lasted until Saturday morning. He was headed to be with his family, and I was way more disappointed than I thought I would ever be or should be!
Expectations ruined it again! I told myself this time around I was taking it very slow and not getting excited about what I thought it could be. I fought not to envision the long term and just stay in the moment. We were enjoying each others company. He was a gentleman. We laughed together. We were extremely goofy, and I was having fun. And most of all, we were just friends, no relationship talk had been had. I was trying to do what my wise co-worker told me, "just chill." But of course that is easier said than done, at least for me.
I found myself extremely disappointed and upset. He led me on. I would have been ok if he told me from the jump that he was definitely going out of town. I could have settled with it and kept it moving. But I felt my emotions were getting strung along and then dropped on their head. Even when I knew he was very apologetic and honestly didn't want to disappoint me, my emotions could not seem to act right! He called all day Saturday and texted me throughout the day. He was checking in to make sure we were ok. I placed an expectation on him after only 2 weeks. He was doomed for failure!
I expected that we would go out on Valentine's Day even though I was warned it may not happen. I felt and expected that he wouldn't let me down. I expected him to read my mind, know my thoughts, emotions, and feelings, and act accordingly. I expected him to act like my man although there was no conversation of a real commitment. I had an emotional roller coaster in my head all by myself and didn't snap out of it until a friend set me straight.
I was saying out loud how I wanted to act, take it slow and go with the flow, yet I was reacting the polar opposite. I let my guard down too quickly. I was in head first and didn't even realize it. How did i get here? At the end of the day I control how deep I fall. And as much as I hate using the word in regards to dating and relationships, it was a "game" in which all my cards were showing!
A point guard, like other player positions in basketball, specializes in certain skills. A point guard is a coach on the floor, who can handle and distribute the ball, setting up plays on the court, getting the ball to the teammate in the best position to score, and controlling the tempo of the game. A point guard should know when and how to instigate a fast break and they need to always have in mind the times on the shot clock and the game clock.
The guard is one of, if not the most important person on the team. Guarding requires being in the game, taking control of your heart, emotions, and expectations, and position and play accordingly! So, put me in coach! I am ready to play! Point GUARD it is! I expect to win!
"We've been in a good place so far right? he asked.
I got past my two date maximum and I was about to ruin it already! We had been dating a few weeks and things were going great. He even asked me to be his Valentine! It was so cute and low-key, I was waiting for him to ask or at least mention Valentines Day! It had been a while since I even recognized the day as a holiday!
But there was a caveat. His brother was preparing to have his first child. From the same lips that asked me to be his Valentine came words of comfort for the possible departure and disappointment that he would have to make. And I understood. He let me know in advance! The brother got points just for that. Many of his counterparts would not even had given me that pleasure.
So the week of Valentines Day was here. We had been seeing each other just about everyday and my excitement about the day began to rise slightly. He asked about my favorite type of food. He even asked what time I was getting off work on Saturday and what time I could be ready. He was planning. Again, more bonus points! But being the woman that I am, I ask questions too! Throughout the week he would mention that he was talking to his brother and the family, making plans. Not really sure when the baby was coming, but would possibly go the following weekend. In order to curb my disappointment, I asked what his final plans were. I got the "man" answer, "I will definitely let you know." This question leaves a woman nothing but frustrated! But around Thursday he finally hit me with the dagger. It was a strong possibility he would have to leave out on Saturday, but still left me with the lingering, "but I will let you know by Saturday morning."
But ladies, he won a million points by sending flowers to my job Friday afternoon. But my smile only lasted until Saturday morning. He was headed to be with his family, and I was way more disappointed than I thought I would ever be or should be!
Expectations ruined it again! I told myself this time around I was taking it very slow and not getting excited about what I thought it could be. I fought not to envision the long term and just stay in the moment. We were enjoying each others company. He was a gentleman. We laughed together. We were extremely goofy, and I was having fun. And most of all, we were just friends, no relationship talk had been had. I was trying to do what my wise co-worker told me, "just chill." But of course that is easier said than done, at least for me.
I found myself extremely disappointed and upset. He led me on. I would have been ok if he told me from the jump that he was definitely going out of town. I could have settled with it and kept it moving. But I felt my emotions were getting strung along and then dropped on their head. Even when I knew he was very apologetic and honestly didn't want to disappoint me, my emotions could not seem to act right! He called all day Saturday and texted me throughout the day. He was checking in to make sure we were ok. I placed an expectation on him after only 2 weeks. He was doomed for failure!
I expected that we would go out on Valentine's Day even though I was warned it may not happen. I felt and expected that he wouldn't let me down. I expected him to read my mind, know my thoughts, emotions, and feelings, and act accordingly. I expected him to act like my man although there was no conversation of a real commitment. I had an emotional roller coaster in my head all by myself and didn't snap out of it until a friend set me straight.
I was saying out loud how I wanted to act, take it slow and go with the flow, yet I was reacting the polar opposite. I let my guard down too quickly. I was in head first and didn't even realize it. How did i get here? At the end of the day I control how deep I fall. And as much as I hate using the word in regards to dating and relationships, it was a "game" in which all my cards were showing!
Proverbs 4:23 reads," Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it. As women we are vulnerable and fragile at times. We open our hearts first and deal with the consequences later. As I am learning, guarding is not a bad thing. It is a protection mechanism to keep what God has created for the appointed time and person. I am also learning that out of my heart flow expectations. Expectations are not bad, but must be constrained and contained for the appointed time and person.
I love the game of basketball, so I will end with this:
I love the game of basketball, so I will end with this:
A point guard, like other player positions in basketball, specializes in certain skills. A point guard is a coach on the floor, who can handle and distribute the ball, setting up plays on the court, getting the ball to the teammate in the best position to score, and controlling the tempo of the game. A point guard should know when and how to instigate a fast break and they need to always have in mind the times on the shot clock and the game clock.
The guard is one of, if not the most important person on the team. Guarding requires being in the game, taking control of your heart, emotions, and expectations, and position and play accordingly! So, put me in coach! I am ready to play! Point GUARD it is! I expect to win!
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Insecure Cooking
"Do you cook?" he asked.
This question use to raise the hairs on my neck and make me nervous. My answer doesn't necessarily paint the picture of the Betty Crocker wife that many men desire. Since living on my own, working a full time job, church, working out, etc, I don't have time to cook, and to be very honest, i don't like to cook! I don't find pleasure in being in the kitchen, and a sandwich with a side of applesauce does me just right!
So now when guys ask me this question, I give them a straight answer, "No." I proceed to down play my abilities in order to possibly kill expectations that will likely not be met in a marriage.
Then he challenged me, " Why?"
(Side eye) "Its not that i don't cook, i just don't like to!" I said.
"Tell me more," he said.
My mother had me stay in the kitchen with her while she cooked, passing her particular ingredients, stirring the pot, and watching to make sure nothing over boiled. I learned plenty of dishes to cook, and I prepare them every now and again, particularly on special occasions. But i don't find joy and happiness in the tasks. I cook to survive and live!
In my previous post, they are saturated with my desire to be married! So this post seems like an oxymoron. If I desire to be married, wouldn't I embrace cooking? But I have come to realize that my slight disdain for cooking is only a mask covering my fear of failing as a wife and someday a mother. You see, as I watched my mother make gravy and macaroni and cheese from scratch, my attempts at home were nothing short of epic failures, inedible for anyone to eat. I felt like I was not living up to the expectations of a woman being from the south or truly worthy of being someone's wife. Can I really live up to the expectation of providing for my family. I mean, the Proverbs 31 woman was a beast!
10
14
I am good with the whole chapter right up until these two verses. Its almost as if I read the chapter and subconsciously skip over these verses. I understand that cooking is not the end-all, be-all for a woman. I would actually be alright without this trait. Without these two verses, the woman is still a beast! (Repenting now for calling the Proverbs 31 woman a beast, but it's true! LOL)
It truly comes down to knowing yourself and the flaws you bring to the table. Are you willing to work on that which will require time and sacrifice to reach your highest potential and be the best at what you desire to be? I am not seeking to be the "perfect wife", but one who can provide meals for her family and maintain a household.
It takes preparation. As women, and people in general, we tend to mask our insecurities yet desire and romanticize marriage as the healing band aid to all our problems. Well, I am learning that with every desire and goal comes preparation and sacrifice. I desire to be married, and although my cooking skills lack, and I fear my family will come to embrace ham sandwiches as a gourmet meal, I will embrace cooking as a task that I can achieve and an insecurity whose chains will be broken.
As I wrote down my goals for 2015, I added a personal goal of discovering and making one new recipe a month from various sources. For the month of January I made spinach lasagna from scratch and shocked myself with how good it was! I ate on it for at least 5 days straight! It was great. I was proud of myself, and for once I truly enjoyed preparing and making a meal. I am preparing to be a wife, but most of all I am dealing with the insecurities within myself and growing as a person everyday.
Every wife is a woman, but every woman is not a wife. If it is your desire to become a wife, begin to self examine yourself and acknowledge your flaws and insecurities. The truth will set you free! Marriage will not make you a better person, you become that before you say "I do."
Scripture excerpt: Proverbs 31:14-15 NIV
This question use to raise the hairs on my neck and make me nervous. My answer doesn't necessarily paint the picture of the Betty Crocker wife that many men desire. Since living on my own, working a full time job, church, working out, etc, I don't have time to cook, and to be very honest, i don't like to cook! I don't find pleasure in being in the kitchen, and a sandwich with a side of applesauce does me just right!
So now when guys ask me this question, I give them a straight answer, "No." I proceed to down play my abilities in order to possibly kill expectations that will likely not be met in a marriage.
Then he challenged me, " Why?"
(Side eye) "Its not that i don't cook, i just don't like to!" I said.
"Tell me more," he said.
My mother had me stay in the kitchen with her while she cooked, passing her particular ingredients, stirring the pot, and watching to make sure nothing over boiled. I learned plenty of dishes to cook, and I prepare them every now and again, particularly on special occasions. But i don't find joy and happiness in the tasks. I cook to survive and live!
In my previous post, they are saturated with my desire to be married! So this post seems like an oxymoron. If I desire to be married, wouldn't I embrace cooking? But I have come to realize that my slight disdain for cooking is only a mask covering my fear of failing as a wife and someday a mother. You see, as I watched my mother make gravy and macaroni and cheese from scratch, my attempts at home were nothing short of epic failures, inedible for anyone to eat. I felt like I was not living up to the expectations of a woman being from the south or truly worthy of being someone's wife. Can I really live up to the expectation of providing for my family. I mean, the Proverbs 31 woman was a beast!
10
14
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
I am good with the whole chapter right up until these two verses. Its almost as if I read the chapter and subconsciously skip over these verses. I understand that cooking is not the end-all, be-all for a woman. I would actually be alright without this trait. Without these two verses, the woman is still a beast! (Repenting now for calling the Proverbs 31 woman a beast, but it's true! LOL)
It truly comes down to knowing yourself and the flaws you bring to the table. Are you willing to work on that which will require time and sacrifice to reach your highest potential and be the best at what you desire to be? I am not seeking to be the "perfect wife", but one who can provide meals for her family and maintain a household.
It takes preparation. As women, and people in general, we tend to mask our insecurities yet desire and romanticize marriage as the healing band aid to all our problems. Well, I am learning that with every desire and goal comes preparation and sacrifice. I desire to be married, and although my cooking skills lack, and I fear my family will come to embrace ham sandwiches as a gourmet meal, I will embrace cooking as a task that I can achieve and an insecurity whose chains will be broken.
As I wrote down my goals for 2015, I added a personal goal of discovering and making one new recipe a month from various sources. For the month of January I made spinach lasagna from scratch and shocked myself with how good it was! I ate on it for at least 5 days straight! It was great. I was proud of myself, and for once I truly enjoyed preparing and making a meal. I am preparing to be a wife, but most of all I am dealing with the insecurities within myself and growing as a person everyday.
Every wife is a woman, but every woman is not a wife. If it is your desire to become a wife, begin to self examine yourself and acknowledge your flaws and insecurities. The truth will set you free! Marriage will not make you a better person, you become that before you say "I do."
Scripture excerpt: Proverbs 31:14-15 NIV
Monday, February 2, 2015
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