Distractions.....

“They’ll always come back around, “ she said.

I was recently sitting around talking to a friend one night about my fasting experience and the spontaneous distractions I’ve been receiving from various people. Isn’t it so funny when you decide to fast and the devil opens the floodgates of perfect distractions? When the scripture says he prowls like a roaring lion (1 Peter 5:8), it never lied! He’s sneaky but so obvious, yet we still fall for his tricks from time to time! One distraction in particular came from a guy I use to talk to months ago. You probably remember all the post concerning our relationship! “Expectation Monster” and “World War Me.” Him. The guy who cut the relationship short because he didn't have the patience to deal with me. Him! The relationship which prompted me to seek counseling. That one!

He text’d me out of the blue one night while I was working on a previous blog post. Now, once the relationship ended I did delete his number, not because I was mad or angry, but it was a way for me to let go and move on.  So I initially had no ideal who the text was from.

The funny thing is, I never removed him from any of my social media pages. Maybe that was my way of slightly holding on. Again, I was never angry that we broke up, just hurt and frustrated. I visited his page on Facebook or Instagram once or twice, just to see how life was going, and maybe just a little bit to see if he had moved on with someone else. No stalking, just constructive observation! We all do it!

And apparently he did it too! His text referred to pictures I recently posted on Facebook from the fashion shows I participated in. There was no initial “hello”, or “how are you.” He simply texted to tell me that my pictures looked great.

After I googled the area code and realized what state the text was from, my heart skipped two beats. I’m not even going to lie. I got a bit excited! I figured it could've been him, but I wasn't really sure, so I hit him with a text saying: “thanks….who is this?” He simply texted back his name. My heart skipped two more beats and my mind instantly started to race. What should I say? Should I strike up conversation? Why is he texting me now? Dang he was fine! Man I do miss him a little bit! Is he trying to get back with me?

I could see God shaking his head.  “There she goes.” “Come back my child, come back! Look into the light!” I was in the clouds for a good minute. How could I let one text shake me up? I went with my emotions instead of my instinct and attempted to engage him in awkward conversation. Either his ego was a bit bruised that I did not have his number saved, or he legitimately just wanted to let me know about my pictures and that was it.  I couldn't pull a conversation out of him to save my life! His answers were very short with no follow up questions or comments. I was doing all the initiating. What am I doing??! Then I simply had to look up at God and laugh out loud. “You know me so well God,” I said.

God knows that I am an emotional being. He knows that I’m curious and I still had a lingering thought that he could’ve been “the one.” God knew that if he allowed the conversation to flourish, I would’ve possibly jumped in slowly, but jumping none the less.  So he shut it down! I could see the devil crossing his arms and stomping away frustratingly, realizing that his distraction was counteracted by my father's love for me.  

But the question still lingers, why did he text me!? Over the years I’ve been in three relationships and each guy has come back at some point in my life. It’s like a boomerang effect. Is it that they want to know if they can still get you? Is it a way to simply interrupt your life? Was he just bored? What is it??

Needless to say, I was flattered by his text. I appreciated that he still appreciated my beauty and I left it at that. The girl still got it! And isn’t that we want anyway? We want our ex to know that we are doing well without them, and make them miss what they once had. Not in a vindictive way, but in a subtle, classy, “life goes on” sort of way.

The return of the ex arises so many emotions at one time. As women it can leave us confused and/or frustrated. The return can simply be a sign to test the reality of how moved on you are. It can also confirm why you are no longer together, or reopens a door that may need to be re-entered. All require guidance from God.  And although I almost fell for the distraction, his lack of follow through confirmed that the door needed to remain closed. I thank God that he snapped me back into reality.

This time of fasting and setting aside time with God has been a great period of clarity. I was able to breathe, think, and regroup.  This time ALWAYS allows you to get a grasp on who God is. He reveals himself in awesome ways that only equate to the true love he has for us! It is my goal to continue to stay sensitive to God’s spirit and incorporate fasting more frequently in my life schedule.  I’ll be ready for the next distraction, bring it on!

One on One Time!

“We need to get back to sanctification,” she said.

I decided to press my way out to prayer this past Monday night. I was having a bit of a rough day and just needed to get into the presence of God. Cry, wail, just something to bring relief to my spirit. I felt a bit bogged down. Feeling like, the moment you declare that you will do better and will strive to change some of your ways, it's as if the devil is sitting, kicking his feet, waiting to test you in any possible way! I failed a test. A clear, you know better, how could you fall for the same old thing, kind of test. It was a familiar place that I approached from a naive state of mind. I even shocked myself. Kind of one of those out of body experiences.  And although I’m in a place in my spiritual walk where I know the power of repentance and forgiveness, the guilt and shame still weigh on me every now and again. And Monday was that day!

As our pastor was teaching, it was like a literal light bulb came on in my mind, body, and spirit. That's it! I must get back to sanctifying myself. Setting myself apart for God. I’ve been wrestling with God concerning doing more fasting and simply being more sensitive to his spirit, and lo and behold, that was the topic for Monday nights teachings! And to top it off, our pastor asked me to pray on “having a clear conscience.” I almost laughed out loud! Lady, that’s what I came in need of prayer for and now you want me to pray that for others? If I ever doubted that God was a comedian, he confirmed his comedic side that night! And being as how I was afraid to say no, I prayed. And the crying began! But God spoke! As I prayed, he ministered and reminded me that he loved me. It was time for me to purify and sanctify myself. I am forgiven, but there is still work to be done.

I’ve been back on the dating scene for a few weeks and have gone out on several dates. And although I've enjoyed going out and meeting new people, working on my communication skills, it was getting old and redundant, AGAIN! Spending my time checking messages and profiles, trying to keep up with who I gave my number to and texting my life away, let’s just say I am over it.com, AGAIN!! In my mind I was ready to get back out there, and emotionally I am healed from the last relationship, but it just became overwhelming. I was hitting dead ends, AGAIN.  

And here's the thing, I would definitely pray about each person I would talk to or date, checking in with God for approval, but we all know how that goes. We pick and choose the approval we will take and receive. I would struggle because he's cute and has everything going for him, may not go to church often, or at all, but he has a job, nice teeth, and a great personality! Or, they go to church and love God but you'e just not that attracted to them, no sparks to be found. I just can't win! Frustrating is the word of choice! It's definitely time to check back in with God!

I don’t even remember the last time I legitimately did a fast. One where I didn't give up after day one because simply going without food after twelve noon was a struggle! The job was having a potluck and I just had to partake! Those donuts that my patient brought in I just had to eat! Even social media. I mean, I need to be on social media to constantly frustrate myself with all the new marriages, engagements, and baby announcements, or NOT! Its time to fast. I decided to limit my time on social media for the time being as well as the dating sites (AGAIN...lol) and restricting my diet to certain foods and setting time limits.  I need to clear my head and spirit and increase my sensitivity to the spirit that leads and guides my life. Not just about dating, but life in general. Although this blog is mainly about dating, my life is so much bigger than my dating life. Sometimes God has to remind of that from time to time. My father misses me and I need that quality time with Him. I can't pour out and share with others if I am not getting filled by Him. And I definitely can't recognize my husband if I am constantly clouded by counterfeits!

There’s a song by Zacardi Cortez that fits my sentiments exactly. The lyrics say this:

I just need my one on one time with you,

With no interruptions I just want it

to be me and you

I need a one on one

I just need one on one with you

I just need my one on one time with you

I, might be selfish but I

I just can't help it when it comes down

to you

Im down on my knees waiting to hear from you,

I have so many questions that I need answers to,

I need a one on one

I just need one on one with you,

I know its been a long time since you heard from me,

but if you just give me a lil' time, I promise I won't be long

I just need my one on one, I know I walked away

but I’m coming back to stay, with you

I'm coming back to you, to you

I'm coming back to you, to you

I lift my hand to you

Zacardi Cortez - 1 On 1 Lyrics | MetroLyrics (from the album “The Takeover”)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ym1P9UsxPmA

Wall Street vs. Shoppers

"He works at Shoppers?" they asked.

I was sitting around one Sunday evening with my girlfriends and I was "checking in".  Whenever we get together we check-in by sharing how our week has been and any new updates in the dating and relationship world. I decided to share some of my recent encounters from my online dating excursions!

I chatted with a guy through a site and we decided to exchange numbers. As we talked on the phone we exchanged the typical "get to know you" questions and I asked what he did for a living. Here's what I've noticed. The older I get, the more value this question holds. It doesn't mean what do you do to pay the bills, but I listen to the tone in which they speak of their job to see if its truly their passion. Do they follow up with a goal or desire to advance into a career, or higher position, entrepreneurship, or does it simply end with a job title?

He said he worked at Shoppers and worked there for several years but never mentioned the position in which he held. I am not going to lie, a sigh of frustration was released and I gave a mean side-eye to the Lord. I was left to assume that he could range from being a manager, a cashier, or simply a bagger at the end of the register. He did share that he was looking to go back to school and was planning to move out of his mother's house by the end of the year. Yet another sigh of frustration leaked out. He also shared that he enjoyed music and would love to be a producer or host a radio program one day. Goals, I can work with them.

I chatted with another gentleman from a site who shared that he worked as a bus cleaner and was looking to get his CDL license in order to drive the buses full time. Ok! Now, really Lord! Granted all of these jobs are needed and somebody has to do them, ummm, but do they really have to be interested and want to date me!?

Now ladies, again, as I grow older and desire marriage and a family, I look for a man that can provide security and stability. That means he must be secure and stable. But what does this really mean? What does that really look like? If I look back at my check list I made years ago, having a job at Shoppers or cleaning buses would not have cut it. Living with your mother and not having your own place would not have cut it. And I can almost estimate their current income, and that simply would not have cut it!

Security and stability was always defined through finance and material things for me, so that's what I've looked for.  But as my grandmother would always say, time and life will teach you a few things. I've learned that finances definitely play a role in sustaining a relationship, but there must be more! There is nothing more attractive than a man who works toward his passion and pursues the destiny on his life. Money will come, but true contentment and happiness can never be bought with a price.

My friends questioned why I even entertained these gentleman and declared that I should not lower my standards. I should look to find a man who is economically, socially, and educationally on my same level, which is truly what I desire. But at what cost do I seek to find someone "on my level" and negate the blue collar worker with a lower income that lives with their mother. So many woman march around demanding and declaring what they require from a man, yet they continue to also march around SINGLE! I declare that I will not be the Old Mother Hubbard with cats as my companions! And I continue to declare that I am staying open, not settling, but I repeat, OPEN!

I am staying open to a man who may not fit my over the top "perfect man" list. And yes, I'm even being more open when it comes to the height difference, just a LITTLE bit.  I'm ultimately looking for a man with a plan and focus. I am no longer at the place where I look to build a man from the bottom up. At this point he MUST come with something (goals, dreams, aspirations, etc.) and allow me to walk beside him, encourage him, cover him, and pray for him to achieve those goals. If a man can sell me a vision, I will run along side him to make sure it gets achieved. Key words, "run along side him," "walk beside him." He has to be moving toward his goals and not settling and making excuses of what he is unable to do while blaming everyone else for his stagnation and complacency.

At 30, it is expected that most persons have settled in their career and are making plans toward building a family and a future.  But the times that we are living in now, women are progressing in the career and financial arena at a higher rate than men and therefore may not get the "same level" desired.

Listen, I've dated the men who made great salaries, owned their own homes and had thriving careers, and unfortunately they did not work out. I am in a season where I can relate to the brother that lives with his mother at the moment to help save money and reduce debt.  I understand!! As long is there is an exit plan! I understand some start late in life finding and developing what they desire to do as a living.  For many of us, our desires shift and change as we grow and we learn the difference between a job and a passion.  Just like our spiritual walks vary in maturity and depth, our career paths and financial situations vary as well.

My ultimate desire is to simply be happy. So I will continue to be open and see what God has up his sleeves for me. He ultimately knows what I need better than my list could ever define! I do declare that 5 years from now my friends and I will be discussing our children and marital bliss, not dating sites and our singleness woes.  Write the vision, make it plain! Won't he do it!

Too Much Too Soon!

“So I guess we can consider courting now?” he asked.

I pulled the phone back from my ear in disbelief. Did he just say what I think he said? Courting? Seriously?! We only went out on one date! I've heard of people moving too fast, and believe me I've been guilty of it a few times myself, but to bring up the word after one date and I don’t even know your last name, I was baffled!  

I felt the need to hear him out.  I just needed to know his definition of courting and how he could come to this conclusion off of one date! He explained that he believed courting began off the initial meeting of someone that you are interested in and it develops over time toward marriage. I wanted to call whatever pastor, minister, or teacher sold him this information. He was doomed in the dating world if he kept at the rate he was going. We clearly had different views and definitions when it came to this daunting word.  

But let me back up and give you a bit of backstory. I met him on one of the dating sites I recently joined. We exchanged numbers and talked on the phone over a period of two days. From the conversation I gathered that he was a Christian who had a real relationship with Christ. He said words like “tithing”, “fasting”, and “hermeneutics!” I was a little impressed. But ladies I didn't get too excited, words mean nothing without action to back it up, but it sure did sound like music to my ears. We had great conversation and talked about a little of everything.  We finally set up a date to have dinner one Sunday evening.

Prior to our meeting, I invited him to listen in on a radio show I was guest speaking on a few hours preceding our date. In hindsight, that might not have been the best idea! Although I am absolutely not ashamed of who I am, my writings, and my relationship with Christ, I think it might have given him

too much insight too early.  It was too early into our new and undeveloped, semi non-existent relationship to give him intimate access. My problem has always been that most men fall in love with the idea of me, but are unable to stick around when it comes to dealing and handling all of who I truly am.  I know what I bring to the table and I understand that men desire a “good” Christian woman, but this woman absolutely comes with flaws that most men aren't ready and willing to deal with.

Needless to say, this brother became smitten early!  At dinner we discussed the radio show and he presented very engaged and interested in what I had to say and I enjoyed his company. After dinner we took a walk around FedEx field engaging in more conversation and getting to know one another. But as we were walking, he proceeded to grab my hand! Inside I wanted to scream and snatch my hand back.  What was he doing?  I asked him why he was holding my hand and he said, “It just felt comfortable to do.” But I was uncomfortable! It was too much. I was still trying to figure out if I liked him or if I was even attracted to him! I proceeded to switch my water bottle into my other hand to cease the hand

holding!  Because I was not sure of how I felt about him, the hand holding was more of a turn off than something I viewed as sweet or romantic.  I’ve been in plenty of situations in which a man has made a move early and I went with it because there was a mutual attraction and connection. This brother had not connected the dots for me yet!

The following day is when the “courting” conversation took place. He even brought up the notion of not seeing other people! I had to break it down for him. My communication skills were kicking into full effect!  I don’t deem to know the perfect definition or the perfect way to seek out your marriage partner, but I know it's not off the first date. And even then, some people do know quite early when they meet “the one”, but keep it in your head, at least until date number three! There has to be wisdom, discernment, and at least a bit more knowledge about a person than what’s written on her dating profile or your intermittent conversations by telephone.

Although I don't date all “willy nilly”, and I do look to find a potential marriage partner, I’m looking to TAKE MY TIME! As I stated earlier, I have done the rushing and jumping in head first. My head can’t take anymore bruises.  I want a true friendship and to know your last name first! I want the time given to allow me to become comfortable with who you are.  And I am absolutely not shutting down the opportunity to date other people off of one date. I'm not looking to be tied down off of an idea and fantasy a man conjures up through conversation with me.  I want the relationship to flow naturally and organically and absolutely by God and not emotions!

This brother had my communication skills working in over drive, but I appreciated it. It helped me to say out loud what I desired and needed from him and men in general. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I refuse to be insane! I claim my complete sanity and a healthy, non-rushed, organically and spiritually built relationship.

After a few more conversations regarding our status and relationship it was determined that friends we would be, and I am ok with that! I spoke up for myself and didn't allow myself to get sucked into a potentially unhealthy situation and relationship.  I want to thank God and my therapist for helping me get to this place in my life! LOL, but so serious!

Don't Call It A Come Back!

“You’re back on the on-line dating sites?” She asked me.

“Yeah,” I responded hesitantly.

“But why?” she asked.  The question I had to seriously ask myself.

A friend and I went to happy hour one day. As we conversed and shared over margaritas, I simply told her I was ready to get back on the dating scene. And yes, I was sober!! LOL. I took a break from dating after my last “situation” ended unexpectedly.  I went in to a place of questioning my self-worth and confidence, but also seeking out the appropriate help in my areas of struggle.  There was a common denominator in each of my relationships, and it was me! I went through counseling, did some soul searching, read a few books, and I settled in knowing I was worth it again!

How long did I take a break you may ask?  It’s only been approximately three months. For some, that’s a short time, and for others, years have been their break time. It absolutely depends on the person and their ability to discern the time in which they are ready.  It also depends on how invested you were in the relationship and how much time you were together. For me, we had only been dating a little over a month. Although I saw the relationship as having great potential, when it ended, it didn't break me completely, but I knew healing was needed.  

As Iyanla Vanzant would say, “Have you done the work?” It’s been three months of seeking, searching, praying, sheltering myself and hiding behind my fears. I was afraid to date again. My heart couldn't take another hurt or break-up and I didn't feel desirable or wanted. In my counseling sessions I was able to unload all of those feelings and own my own truth. My therapist would always say that I needed to practice my communication skills with family and friends since I was no longer in a relationship, but my real struggle was communicating while in a relationship.  

So I decided to get back out there. Practice makes perfect! There is a quote that I live by at this point in my life, and it simply says,

“It’s okay to be scared, but you have to get out there,

open up, love, make mistakes, learn, be stronger, and

start all over again.”

And that’s what I am doing! I am using this opportunity to get back in the dating scene and practice what I've learned. I’m communicating with men and being honest and open about my struggles, what I desire, what I stand for, and what I don't desire.  I’m OK with telling men something they may not want to hear. I’m no longer worried about whether or not they will like me. The truth is, I absolutely I love me, and that's good enough. The right one will adore and accept all of me!

With all that being said, I forgot how stressful and time consuming online dating can be! Checking all the messages, reading all the profiles (because I do read them all). When did I have time for this before!? Many things have changed in my life since taking a break. I refuse to be side tracked in my pursuits, or up late at night checking profiles and messages, going to work sleepy and exhausted. I’m limiting myself and putting a limit on my time spent on the sites. Ladies, it's OK to desire companionship and date, but don't get distracted by what seems harmless and begins to encroach on time spent with God, friends, and pursuing your passions.

If you are someone who is taking a break from dating and “doing you,” more power to you! If you are still afraid and going through your healing process, I understand! Take the time you need for you!  When you're ready to get back out there, make sure you come back refreshed and ready to change the game. Come back stronger, wiser, and willing to do it differently to get the results that is desired (i.e. marriage, healthy relationships). Come back with the mindset that no matter what comes your way, if you experience another hurt, you can always start over!

So in the words of LL Cool J, “Don't call it a comeback, I been here for years....." [Just getting better at as I grow and mature!]